Not really.

But totally.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Growing Up.

Growing up fucking sucks. Like, straight up blows. Nothing could have prepared me for this step of my life. Nothing. And I've seen some shit. Girls spewing up Sparxx through their fingers, guys performing a Houdini act on a girl (I wish I was lying), and even witnessed a homeless woman shitting on the corner of Pacific and Broadway in Downtown Long Beach. But I would rather recreate those moments in my daily life every day instead of growing up.


1. Making Appointments

Seriously, is there anything more terrifying? The only thing I can think of is, being a girl, when you get change back from the cashier and you have to put your coins AND dollars back in their specific pockets and sections when the cashier has already started ringing up the next person?! It's honestly the most stressful and anxiety filled part of my day. But anywho, I'm sure we all are in the same boat about making appointments. We live in the day and age of texting over calling. Tweeting over Facebooking. Ordering food from Yelp! Eat 24 and if you can't order it online, you're sure as shit ain't calling to order. And you would never dream to actually make an order face to the face at the counter of death. Okkkkk so Thai food it is for the 3rd day in a row!

Don't even get me started about my car. When you're younger and live at home, your dad gets on your ass about getting your car washed, getting it regularly serviced, and keeping the interior clean. I can easily say I haven't gotten my car professionally washed in about 2 years. My check engine light has been on for about 10,000 miles and the inside of my car looks like I'm a single soccer mom of 4/professional hobo, it is THAT messy. So don't worry guys, you're not alone.

The sheer terror of speaking to a receptionist is enough to cripple us to the point where we just hope we aren't dying. Think about when is the last time you went to the dentist? I choose not to. I just brush my teeth 17 times a day and if they ask, uh OF COURSE I FLOSS. Duh we all know you're supposed to....


2. Judgement From Those Who Have "Grown Up"

I have a college education and I still wait tables. I do that by choice. You know why? Because I had a "real job" and guess what? It fucking sucked. I would be dreading work the next day on the way home from work THAT day. My job now allows me to sleep in, stay up late, and drink wine during the day without judgement. So to all my friends who claim they like their job and you sit behind a desk, you're lying and you can't bullshit a bullshitter.

I'm all for you having the job you have, but who the fuck died and made you King of the Seven Kingdoms? If I have to sit through one more pathetic display of your 401K and health insurance, I literally will not be able to roll my eyes back in my head far enough, they will just fall right out of my skull. Congrats on your 401K, aka a fancy savings account. I actually have a savings and a lot of it at that, so not an excuse. Ohhhh you pay $200 out of your paycheck a month for health insurance? Sweet. I have Obama Care (which is obviously god awful but it's fucking free so boo ya).


3. Transitioning from Bar Hopping Mess to A Presentable Adult

Back in the day (so like 5 years ago), you could not pay me enough money or feed me enough Jameson shots to stay at home and do nothing. Although my friends can easily vouch for me, I am convinced I still hold the crown for the Queen of the Irish Goodbye. I was the MASTER. Literally none of my friends knew that I had even gone outside. Little do they know, I had already stowed away about 3 rolls of toilet paper from Shannons in my purse and was already shoving zucchini fries from Archibald's down my throat.

But there comes a day when that sounds awful. And I must say it is the weirdest, most freeing feeling in the world. You no longer have that "FOMO". For your old farts like myself, that means "fear of missing out." My only fear of missing out I have now is not being caught up on The Bachelor or Vanderpump Rules when my mom makes her weekly Wednesday morning chat to discuss what psycho was stirring up drama. But that feeling you get when you realize you don't have to take 8 shots of Jameson AND THEN precede to go out, is very liberating. And by liberating, I mean it now feels just as damn good as drinking a bottle of wine at home shouting at Ben Higgins for being so damn boring.


4. Paying Bills

I'll never forget the first time I got my first cable bill. Talk about a system that completely dicks you. Yeah that monthly service fee and " regional sports tax" is really fucking necessary. I wish I could just call them up and be like "Yeah DirectTv? These are shows I want to watch: Teen Mom (all seasons), Bad Girls Club, Little Women: LA, VanderPump Rules, All Real Housewives, HBO, Showtime, and Pardon The Interruption. So I only want to pay for those things. Make it happen." But somehow your bill gets up to $200 AND only gets higher! Ya that makes sense. The longer I'm a loyal customer, the more you're going to rape my checking account.

The most bogus of all is TRASH. FUCKING TRASH. I have to pay money for some jackass to RIDE A GARBAGE TRUCK. Remember the good ol days when the garbage man physically had to get off the truck and dump the trash can himself into the dumpster? But I have to walk my fat ass with those heavy trash bins that are absolutely riddled with flies and have secret cobwebs in the sticky fucking handle no matter what. Now, Mr. Lazy McFuck just sits in his truck with what I imagine to be one of those joysticks that you use to try to get a stuffed animal out of a vending machine. Which we all know is a fucking scam so I like to imagine I'm paying some guy to be really good at this game he calls his occupation. So I guess I applaud you.

BUT THE WORST. The worst is when you come home from a long, hard day of work. You're tired, hungry, cranky as all hell and it's late and you live in the city. There is no parking. But lucky you! You have a driveway to a parking spot. But low and behold Mr. Lazy McFuck has placed your trash can bins as if he's playing a fucking game of Battleship. One is in the middle of the road, the other fell over in a fit of rage and by some dark magic the rest are lined up perfectly in the middle of the driveway. Are you kidding me bro? You have one job. One fucking job.

And the day that I don't laugh when I see/hear "69" will be the worst day ever. I hate growing up.




Monday, April 7, 2014

#WhiteGirlProblems

I fucking hate white girls. Wait. SHUT UP. I'm white?! WHO told you? (If anyone gets that reference, you're perfect and stay golden pony boy.) I get that I'm white. But I cannot stand the token white girls. The kind of girls that really give girls a bad name. So, like, 90% of you. Again, thank you Instagram for letting their white girl flag fly! It now allows them to express themselves to their full white girl potential. Here is a few reasons why white girls need to retire their act.

1. Sorry I'm Not Sorry!

Even typing that made me want to slam my head as hard as I could into my keyboard. Plenty of undesirable words have worked their way into my vocabulary. "Like" certainly slips out more than I care to admit, I'm quite sure I've obnoxiously said things along the lines of "BRB" out loud and I routinely use curse words as nouns, verbs and adjectives (sometimes all in the same sentence). The problem that I have with this statement is that it's not used properly. It's for dumb white girls on spring break wearing high waisted shorts, a crop top with neon font with probably a neon bathing suit, a backwards neon snap back holding a bottle of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka on instagram with "#SorryImNotSorry!" Like UGGGGH. Sorry for what? You're sure as shit not sorry that you took away 5 seconds of my life that I can never get back. You're sure as shit not sorry for getting chlamydia thanks to the super chiller frat boy who promised he could find you more booze in the bedroom. Real smart bitch.

2. Partner In Crime

I used to say that phrase all the time...when I was fucking 12. Enough girls! Enough with calling your best friend your partner in crime. You did not commit a crime. The only thing you're guilty of is being an annoying girl who probably doesn't have a boyfriend so you're trying to justify your loneliness with your best friend and it's transparent. If by crime, you mean getting wasted and crying to your best friend over a medium mushroom and pepperoni pizza from Domino's because Jason never called you back, then yes. You have committed a crime. The crime being you're a fucking moron so get your head out of your ass.

3. Pumpkins

PLEASE white girls let me know why the fuck you all are obsessed with pumpkin flavored things?! And don't say that it's just good because it's not even that good! I absolutely DREAD fall because if I see another Instagram picture of a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will not hesitate to come to your location, smash your phone on your own face and throw your PSL out my car window. It's not just coffee though, its everything! Pumpkin beer, which in my opinion is fucking gross. Just drink normal beer like a normal fucking person. Pumpkin cupcakes. White girls LOVE cupcakes. Almost as much as they love Fro-Yo. Guys, I'll let you in on a secret. Just tell girls you like eating overpriced cupcakes in the middle of the day for no reason. BAM. Instant blowjob. Just enough with the pumpkin obsession. Get a real obsession. Like drinking Jameson like normal people.

4. "Sports Fans"

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING aggravates me more than stupid white bitches pretending to like sports. I am an avid sports fan and always have been. Shit I know more about sports than half the guys I know. But if see one more bitch wearing a SF Giants jersey and has no idea the starting line up, I will murder you. I have come to realize the more shirts you have for your "team", the more fake you are. I am a HUGE Dodgers fan. HUGE. I have two Dodgers shirts and one sweatshirt. And none of this PINK Victoria Secret shit. Like actual MLB gear. I could call out SO many girls right now, but I won't. We all know that girl. The one that knew absolutely nothing about sports but either the team where she's from won the World Series or her boyfriend is a huge sports fan, so now shes the biggest fan ever! Fucking spare me. If you're a Giants fan and say your favorite player is Brian Wilson because you like his beard, I do have permission just to slap you right then and there. What you should do girls is actually research sports and learn to love it because it's really interesting (SHOCKING I know). Until then, shut the fuck up about how hot Kaepernick is and how you want to fuck Matt Kemp. Which I do but you get the point.

Obviously I could go on and on about why white girls need to shut the fuck up, but here are a few mentionables.
  • Obsessed with Beyonce. Bitch bye. You will never have what she has, get over it.
  • Greek relationships. If you still call your little "little" when you're out of sorority, it's creepy. Or the worst, "sib". Kindly shut the fuck up.
  • Rain Boots. They are ugly so I am only trying to help you out by not looking like a fucking child molester.
  •  Rings. There should be a rule that you can only wear 3 rings at once. Not 4,873.
  • Rap. If I see one more white bitch dancing in her white Jetta to Jay-Z, I will have a meltdown.
  • Baths. If you want to sit in a bowl of your own filthy water, be my guest. Just stop documenting it on Instagram.
  • #hot #blonde #hotblonde #best #friends #bestfriends

I just wanted to say I saw a woman in Ralph's today wearing a shirt that said "In Sean John We Trust". This has nothing to do with the article but that information should be shouted from the rooftops.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Instagram.

God Bless Instagram. I mean really, how else would people know what you ate for dinner, what your outfit of the day was AND how you're a professional photographer taking pictures of the sunset all in one app! It truly is a miracle! First off let me say I actually really like Instagram. I think it's a really cool way of expressing yourself and I like keeping tabs on all the Teen Mom's and the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules. But there are always the stupid fucking people that post the most obnoxious shit. Everyone is guilty of posting lame shit but some do it more than others. So from this post, I expect to lose many followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook because that seems to be the growing trend. Which I am totally ok with because if you are offended by what I say, than you probably suck and I am glad to not be "friends" with you anymore. 

The main problem I have with Instagram is the need to post pointless shit. Everyday I scroll threw Instagram and I see girls and guys posting with the stupidest crap. Like "Me and my new airhorn!" Like that's great bitch, I am so happy for you and your new airhorn but it's a fucking airhorn. It is used to alert people preferably on boats or in the wild. It does not need to be documented. 

Here are some other reasons why the human race is slowly turning Instagram into a shitty app.

1. #WifeyMaterial

First, have you EVER seen this hashtag written by a girl that has a boyfriend? No. Because she's a terrible human being. Last time I checked, wifey material isn't boiling water, throwing spaghetti in it and microwaving Prego. The only thing that will ever make you wifey material is giving your boyfriend at least one blowjob a week and having sex 5+ times a week. THAT makes you wifey material. I would love to see that on Instagram, that would make that hashtag remotely interesting. 

2. #FoodPorn

Unless you are posting a picture of a deep fried burrito or the Mac and Cheese at The Attic that they top with flaming Hot Cheetos, then it is NOT food porn. Last time I checked, your watermelon, feta and arugula salad is not food porn. That's like the equivalent of the "Female Friendly" tab on PorrnHub.com. If you're going to hashtag #FoodPorn, it better be the equivalent of a gang bang or DP on Porn Hub. 

3. Hot Dog Legs

I get it. We live in Southern California where we can post pictures in January of us laying out by the pool. But ENOUGH with the hot dog leg pics. It's gross and unless you're naked, no one wants to see just a picture of your legs. This also goes with bath tub shots as well. I consider bath's disgusting anyway because you are just sitting in a pool of your own filth. Thanks for showing the Instagram community that you wade around in your own dirt. Personally for me I just get bored sitting there. Unless I am watching reruns of Game Of Thrones on my phone and I have a bottle of wine, I am more bored than girls who don't masturbate regularly.

4. Overzealous Couples

Much of you have already read my entire blog post about how much I hate couples, but there really isn't anything worse than overzealous instagram couples. Please I would LOVE to know why you think people care that your boyfriend bought you flowers? I get you are trying to make everyone see what a great man he is, but who are you really trying to convince here? I am a firm believer in the more things you post about your relationship, the more insecure you are about it. The more you have to show the world how happy you are, it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself how happy you are. And for that, nobody cares.

5. Hashtaggery

And yes, you can quote me on this word. Hashtaggery. Like really, how long did it take you write out 59 hashtags? I can think of SO many other things I would want to do with my time. Like eat pizza. Or play with my dog. Or watch porn. Or watch paint dry. Because all of those sound 10x more interesting than reading your countless hashtags to get followers. People who commit hashtaggery are so obnoxious because they are just trying to gain followers. News flash, having a lot of followers doesn't make you a better person. It makes you an insecure bitch who has to post selfies with a song lyric or inspirational quote that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the picture. I admit it, I post selfies. All women do but you are only allowed 2-3 a month. And that is all or else you are just self-centered and need random strangers to make you feel better. Pass.

6. Food

EVERYONE knows my hatred for posting food on Instagram. But damn you Instagram one upping me and shit. Because now you can video your process of cooking your food! Thank god. I am so pleased you recorded putting EVOO in a pan for 3 seconds, then recorded you putting bell peppers in the pan for 3 seconds, then recording you putting in the chic....OH MY GOD I AM ALREADY BORING MYSELF. Like fuck off with that. My 3 year old nephew could do that and it still wouldn't be impressive or interesting. Nothing is impressive about putting ingredients in a pan. NOTHING. So cut it the fuck out. And I can't fucking eat it. So it makes me hungry. It's like watching Food Network when you're really high and basically useless at this point

Obviously a lot of things irritate me on Instagram, but those are definitely the worst. A few more include:
  • A picture of your nails with the color of Essie nail polish you used. Nasty, Hands and feet are just gross.
  • An artsy fartsy view of the park. Usually off center to make it seem more interesting when in reality its the same fucking picture and you're dumb.
  • A selfie at the gym. We get it. You want everyone to see you're at the gym. Then be skinny already.
  • A collection of all your meds because you're sick. If i wanted to see DayQuil, Mucinex, Theraflu in the same place. I'd fucking to go CVS. So just spare me. 
  • A mirror selfie of you smiling at your iPhone. Look at me you idiot. 
  • An empty plate. Congrats! You just finished The Couch at The PotHolder, you're now fucking disgusting!
  • Instagram Messaging. Like now its more acceptable to meet people off Instagram because you can privately message each other. Sorry Instagram, MySpace had you beat by like 10 years. 
  • Throwback Thursday. The worst. And it doesn't count if its from a fucking week ago. Stop that right now. 
  • No filter. Wow congratulations to you for actually being yourself! But filters are there for a reason. And the reason is you're ugly and should use them. So...you're welcome. 
All I ask, and I am sure others would like to ask too, is just think of what you're posting. Like WHY am I posting this picture of a pizza at 5 am? Just consider other peoples feelings. For once. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Engagements.

Well we made it everyone! Happy fucking holidays! Before I go on a rant about how much I hate every single person ever, I genially hope everyone had a wonderful and happy holidays with their families! And by wonderful, I hope you got absolutely shitfaced and told your grandma about your sexually encounters with the guy who you met at PJ's on a Tuesday night.

Tis the season for engagements! Holy shit I have seen more engagements in the past month than people I want to murder secretly in my dreams. I guess I am just getting older or maybe smarter because the thought of getting married now makes me want to absolutely kill myself and have my boyfriend Dexter my ass by chopping me into pieces and throwing me overboard in the ocean. Let me preface that this entire blog has nothing to do with my best friend Danielle who recently got engaged because she is perfect and wonderful and I could never ever write anything bad about her. Except the fact that she gets too wasted with me and yells at cab drivers that she's the best they will ever have.

ANYWAY, the reason why I hate engagements so much is how girls present them to the public on their Facebook, Instagram, etc. You know the SECOND they get that rock, all they are thinking about is " How am I going to put this on FaceBook so everyone can see how incredibly happy I am and how fucking bomb my manicure looks! Thanks Kimmy!" (Kimmy is obviously the Vietnamese nail salon worker). I am still waiting for a clever caption for your ring picture besides my favorites:

1. " I can't wait to marry my best friend!"

Ugh please vomit in my mouth and let me spit it back on you. For crying out loud, your boyfriend is not your best friend! Like really? What a picturesque way of absolutely slapping your BFF in the face who you've known since 1995! And how depressing are you that your best friend is your boyfriend? I'm just thinking in my head like, do you realize your "best friend" masturbates probably two times a day and scratches their balls for HOURS while you're not around watching Sportscenter? And there is something to not be trusted by a girl who says "I'm a guys girl!" Like bitch if you have to come at me like that, it means you can't get along with women because you're the type to say your boyfriend is your best friend! Ugh go die in a fire. 

2. "He asked...I said YES!"

All I have to say is....NO SHIT BITCH or else why would you post it on all 4 of your social media outlets? For fuck's sake, use your brain. Help us ALL out and think of something clever to announce one of the biggest moments of your life! And the fact that you add a thousand exclamation points doesn't help. Like we are all SO surprised you got engaged to the guy you have been dating for 3 years and would always bitch at him to put a ring on it when you were wasted. That being said, it brings me to my next point.

3. "He liked it so he put a ring on it!"

Fuck off. Just fuck off. You do realize he is going to regret that decision in 10 years when you still haven't lost your baby weight, you bitch at absolutely everything and your tits are below your belly button. 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE weddings and am happy for a couple when they make that commitment. I mean as long as I actually like the couple. Not the couple who celebrates their 15 month anniversary and have pet names for each other. Ugh it makes me absolutely cringe. So for those couples I am not happy for you because you suck and you need to act like normal human beings because this is society and society hates people who are dumb. I just think there are better ways to announce you're engaged. What happened to the time when we were more excited to call our moms and dads immediately instead of getting the right angles on your hand? It seems engagements nowadays are solely for the show of it all, the picture of how happy you and your now fiancee (which is the dumbest word ever) are with your lives. 

Which leads to the worst thing ever....engagement photos. Oh my Jesus fucking Christ WHOEVER came up with the idea for engagement photos should be brutally murdered and hung for all to show at the token engagement photo backgrounds...ex: beaches, under a boardwalk, in a field, on a artsy looking staircase, etc. Like there should just be people hung here so people will no longer give me conversation amo about how stupid engagement photos are. Like really, who gives a fuck about pictures of you and your fiancee? I understand getting them for your own person benefit so you can keep them in your home or whatever, but let me say this and let me only say this once...NO ONE and I mean NO ONE cares about seeing your engagement photos. They are boring, stupid and the fact that they have nothing to do with me doesn't help your case. Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia said it best, "It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." Instead of the ususal of writing your date in the sand and taking a picture of it, write "We are going to fuck shit up on March 15, 2015!" Like that would be fucking awesome. My dad would have even more reasons to hate on my sailor mouth, which would be hilarious.

So please ladies, let's change this up! Think of something clever, funny or awesome to announce that you're going to have a sick ass party with 3 open bars so I too can be excited about attending your soiree that you can't wait to share with the whole fucking world. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Couples.

I fucking hate couples. Now I know most of you are thinking, she's part of a couple! Damn right because it works for me. I get laid on the regular and I have a permanent drinking buddy whenever I am bored. Just because I am in a couple, doesn't make me stupid. So if you read this and get annoyed (which will be about 80% of you), it's because you are a part of these couple stereotypes that are slowly making me want to kill myself and just be ok with the world ending because no one should procreate.

#1. CrossFit Couples

First off, let me preface how much I hate the whole CrossFit culture. I am all for staying in shape and living a healthy lifestyle...wait. No I'm not. I love to get wasted and smoke ciggarettes but that is besides the point. If you want to be healthy, good for you. Just PLEASE stop jamming it down our throats with your stupid competitions. "I lifted 300 pounds 234 times and rolled 3 truck tires on their sides!" Unless you're the Wicked Witch Of The East and plan to have a fucking house fall on you and you have to push that bitch off, I am not impressed. What would impress me if there were those dog obstacle courses for people, then I would watch you be Wreck It Ralph over here. 

So when two things I hate join forces (CrossFit and women) I tend to get a bit angry. The worst is NO WOMAN STARTS CROSSFIT HERSELF. I repeat. No woman does CrossFit herself without her man pushing her. "Come on babe, lets get shredded together and compete so we can pin our Pinterest boards with those cute pictures of couples working out together. I'll climb a rope with you Koala-ing me and it will be so fucking cute." SHUT UP.  For the love of God no one cares that you work out together. I'd rather watch a movie marathon streaming Glitter, Gigli and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter than see you doing CrossFit together.


#2. FaceBook Couples

For some reason, the holidays tend to make people a little crazy. AKA they don't want to be alone because God forbid they can't blast my newsfeed with what your boyfriend got you after dating for a month. Some food for thought though ladies, if your man buys you anything Tiffany's, he has put in absolutely ZERO effort in thinking of what you want. For some reason women are absolutely obsessed with that Tiffany box and men think it can get them a solid blowjob. Anyway, the couples I am referring to are the couples that feel the need to blast their ENTIRE relationship on Facebook. 

"I LOOOVVVEEE my baby! @SomeJabrone, you are my world!"
"My baby bought me (some thoughtless gift)! He is the best boyfriend EVER!"
"It's mine and @GiantPussy's 19th month anniversary! Celebrating going to Chic-Fil-A!"

....come the fuck on. If you were really truly happy in your relationship, you wouldn't have to broadcast to the world how "happy" you are. AND the rest of the FaceBook community doesn't give a flying fuck about your relationship. Relationships are meant to be private and at the end of the day it is only you two that matter in the world. The only reason why you post shit like that on FaceBook is because you a) want his ex to see how InSaNLy HaPpY you are, b) you want everyone to know that you are the happiest you have ever been yet you have lost all your friends and now resort to play with your cat and make your boyfriend spaghetti or c) because you are insecure as fuck and FaceBook is the only outlet you have to share your poor, pathetic life. Save us all from stabbing myself in eyeballs with my toes and keep how happy you are to yourselves.

#3. "Babe" Couples

The worst. The absolute fucking WORST. Really, is there anything worse than this?:
 
This is what you sound like. You may think that you don't, but you actually do sound THAT retarded. Your significant other has a name, so fucking use it. If you use babe once every now and then, that's fine. It's the couples that use it in every fucking sentence. 

Hi babe, what are you doing? 
Nothing babe just watching TV. 
You're so cute babe! Let's get dinner tonight! 
Sure babe! 
Love you Babe.

OHHHH MMMYYYYY GOOOODDD. What is also bad is those girls that call their boyfriend by their whole name when they go by the shortened version. Ex. Calling your boyfriend Micheal when everyone calls him Mike. Or calling him Christopher when everyone calls him Chris. To sum up, call your boyfriend by his fucking name. He has gone along this far without using pet names so you shouldn't start now. God women are the worst.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Being A Server

Being a server is single handedly the worst job on the planet. If you don't believe me, then fuck off. Yes the hours are great and you can make quick cash but is it really worth giving your soul away everytime you walk into work? Probably not. I believe that EVERYONE should have to work as a server or in customer service for at least 6 months just so they could understand how much people suck. For those of you that have been a server or in the customer service industry, I know you can write a million different stories on the shitty fucking people you have dealt with.

Let me set the scene for you. I worked at a BBQ joint in downtown Long Beach. Let me say that one more time, BBQ JOINT IN DOWNTOWN LONG BEACH. So naturally, our clientele was pretty interesting. Getting a 10% tip was considered excellent. Us servers would rejoice in the backroom while secretly talking so much shit on you. And yes, if you were rude, we did mess with your food. I have taken dirty silverware out of the dish bin. I have seen people dunk their balls in blue cheese and I have seen plenty of "accidentally spilled food". As the famous movie 'Waiting" says, don;'t fuck with people who bring you you're food. It is that simple.

Fuck you to the people that say I was the best waitress you have ever had and then tip me $3 on a $90 bill. And I am not kidding when I say that has happened before. I have been called racist by black women because I messed up their order. I have been called ungrateful because I added gratuity on a party of 12. They got their receipt and said, "Who ordered the gratuity and why's it so esspensssive?" Not kidding and totally wish I was. I have been spit on, called a bitch and been stiffed on a bill of $300 because we didn't have passion iced tea.

One of my favorite stories comes from quite the tale. So it was a Sunday, meaning the worst day ever. For those of you that have worked in the industry know that Sunday's are the fucking worst. I have no idea why but it is the day of bad tips along with bad attitudes from pretty much everyone. I had these 4 fucking brats come in and sit at one of my tables. I great them, "Hey guys! Welcome to Famous Dave's! My name is Famous Mel and I will be taking care of you today!" Yes, we had to say Famous in front of our name because we were famous....I know. And then you would get the occasional oofy white man saying 'Well what are you famous for?!" And thought he was the fucking funniest person on the planet. In my head, I would just think I am going to famous for throwing your ribs in the dish pin and putting it back on your plate. Which I have totally done before. So these 4 fucking hoodrats order cream soda. Ok homie this isn't 1956 in an ice cream parlor. What the fuck makes you think we have cream soda? I tell them we don't have that, so naturally they ask for "Grape Drink." At this point, all bets are off and I could give two fucks about these bitches. They finally settle on strawberry lemonade, shocker. Whenever people would hear we had strawberry lemonade, their voice would get like 8 octaves hire because of excitement. Ya if you knew it was just strawberry syrup made of pure sugar with Country Time powdered lemonade, would you still be that stoked?

I get them their drinks and come back when they are ready to order. One of the fucking brats slams down a $5 bill and says..."I want fries and a burger for $5. Make it happen!" I could not believe my ears. Who the fuck do you think you are little bitch? I was so furious that when I went to the back I just screamed. But then one of my co-workers came up with this brilliant idea. I walk back to the table with a piece of paper in my hand and slam it on the table. I drew a map to McDonald's and said "There ya go!' And just walked away. Needless to say they left and I almost got fired, but it was SO fucking worth it.

To all the servers out there, I give you so much props and other people should to. It is not an easy job in the slightest and until you have actually done it, you have no right to tip under 15% because you're poor. THEN DON'T FUCKING GO OUT TO EAT. I have tipped under 15% once in my whole life and that's because the server was fucking awful. But if I see they are trying and are super busy, I'll even give them extra. So next time you are out to eat, give your server the benefit of the doubt because you giving them a 20% tip could make their entire day. Or give them extra money to go get shitfaced after work because let's get serious, that is what we all do anyway.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Girls: Part 1

I fucking hate girls. I really, really do. Not all, but I would go with a SOLID 95%. Why you ask? Because they are terrible human beings for several reasons. Now let me preface this. I used to be that girl. The dramatic hot mess that when myself and a boyfriend broke up, I literally thought my life is over. Dramatic MySpace bulletins and all. Yes, it was that long ago that MySpace was still badass. But the time comes when you look at your FaceBook and Twitter feed and say, "Enough is e-fucking-nough ladies!" Drama looks good on no one. Yes YOU, with your paleo diet meals, #cleaneats, Some E Cards about how you only are attracted to assholes and your inability to understand that you are too fucking retarded to be in a relationship.

I will never understand why women are the way they are. I used to be that dumb bitch in high school that was so love struck by anything that moved or paid attention to me, it eventually warped my way of thinking. Finally I took a long, hard look in the mirror and said "Stop being a pussy Mel." Not kidding. Ever since then I have been the type to date like a man. On my terms, my schedule and my life. Then I look at girls who completely conform to their boyfriend. You bitches are what I call chameleons. A month ago you hated football but now you're a huge niners fan because your boyfriend is? Got it. You used to bitch and moan about working out but you are a work out fen and clean eats fanatic because your boyfriend works at the gym? Dually noted. YOU SUCK. You make all women look bad and women wonder why men think you're crazy. It's because you are. You get mad when men don't call every fucking day. You get mad when they don't get you anything for Valentine's Day when you specifically told them it is just a Hallmark holiday. You get mad because he is balls deep in Football Sunday yet he watches your dumb Housewives shows with you everyday. Cut the men some slack ladies and stop being fucking retarded.

My favorite is the couples that break up and get back together multiple times and decide to broadcast in on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, ETC. THIS is comedy, solid gold. You should only be allowed to change your relationship status 4 times in a span of 2 months, then it should just read as "I am unstable as fuck and my life is crumbling beneath me but thank god I have a sucker of a boyfriend who constantly cuts down my self-esteem. YAY!" Also girls, cut it out the long dramatic wall posts on your boyfriend's page. It only embarrass him and yourself because you think he gives a shit. No, he doesn't. He cares about you giving him a solid blowjob later or you performing your once in a lifetime act of "being on top."

Another one of my favorites is the magical disappearing girl act! This is when a girl is with a boyfriend and shows no life on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc., but once they break up, HOLY SHIT. It's like their social media outlets are bombarded with selfies with inspirational quote captions that are absolutely irrelevant to the pictures whatsoever. Their status' and tweets are filled with Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood lyrics because they are fighters! Now I am all for the woman who can bounce back from a bad break up, but when its so obvious that you're SO depressed yet act like you're walking on fucking sunshine, its baffling. Suddenly you have ..::~*GiRlS NiGhT*~::.. with girls you haven't seen in months. We know your game and I would almost be ok with it if you would just tell me, "You know what Mel, I had no friends when I was with him and now I am desperate for female and male attention so let's parade around 2nd Street like we are absolutely hilarious and have so many inside jokes that it makes my ex-boyfriend jealous and want me back!" Ladies, let me share you the trouble. A man does not stalk you via social media and could give two shits what you are doing. You got dumped for a reason AKA he's sleeping with someone else or probably has been for some time now! For those of you that are fans of HIMYM, you are a "WOO-HOO!" girl.

These are the type of girls that are absolutely KILLING my buzz. You are making it hard for everyone out here, cut it the fuck out.