Not really.

But totally.

Monday, April 7, 2014

#WhiteGirlProblems

I fucking hate white girls. Wait. SHUT UP. I'm white?! WHO told you? (If anyone gets that reference, you're perfect and stay golden pony boy.) I get that I'm white. But I cannot stand the token white girls. The kind of girls that really give girls a bad name. So, like, 90% of you. Again, thank you Instagram for letting their white girl flag fly! It now allows them to express themselves to their full white girl potential. Here is a few reasons why white girls need to retire their act.

1. Sorry I'm Not Sorry!

Even typing that made me want to slam my head as hard as I could into my keyboard. Plenty of undesirable words have worked their way into my vocabulary. "Like" certainly slips out more than I care to admit, I'm quite sure I've obnoxiously said things along the lines of "BRB" out loud and I routinely use curse words as nouns, verbs and adjectives (sometimes all in the same sentence). The problem that I have with this statement is that it's not used properly. It's for dumb white girls on spring break wearing high waisted shorts, a crop top with neon font with probably a neon bathing suit, a backwards neon snap back holding a bottle of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka on instagram with "#SorryImNotSorry!" Like UGGGGH. Sorry for what? You're sure as shit not sorry that you took away 5 seconds of my life that I can never get back. You're sure as shit not sorry for getting chlamydia thanks to the super chiller frat boy who promised he could find you more booze in the bedroom. Real smart bitch.

2. Partner In Crime

I used to say that phrase all the time...when I was fucking 12. Enough girls! Enough with calling your best friend your partner in crime. You did not commit a crime. The only thing you're guilty of is being an annoying girl who probably doesn't have a boyfriend so you're trying to justify your loneliness with your best friend and it's transparent. If by crime, you mean getting wasted and crying to your best friend over a medium mushroom and pepperoni pizza from Domino's because Jason never called you back, then yes. You have committed a crime. The crime being you're a fucking moron so get your head out of your ass.

3. Pumpkins

PLEASE white girls let me know why the fuck you all are obsessed with pumpkin flavored things?! And don't say that it's just good because it's not even that good! I absolutely DREAD fall because if I see another Instagram picture of a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will not hesitate to come to your location, smash your phone on your own face and throw your PSL out my car window. It's not just coffee though, its everything! Pumpkin beer, which in my opinion is fucking gross. Just drink normal beer like a normal fucking person. Pumpkin cupcakes. White girls LOVE cupcakes. Almost as much as they love Fro-Yo. Guys, I'll let you in on a secret. Just tell girls you like eating overpriced cupcakes in the middle of the day for no reason. BAM. Instant blowjob. Just enough with the pumpkin obsession. Get a real obsession. Like drinking Jameson like normal people.

4. "Sports Fans"

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING aggravates me more than stupid white bitches pretending to like sports. I am an avid sports fan and always have been. Shit I know more about sports than half the guys I know. But if see one more bitch wearing a SF Giants jersey and has no idea the starting line up, I will murder you. I have come to realize the more shirts you have for your "team", the more fake you are. I am a HUGE Dodgers fan. HUGE. I have two Dodgers shirts and one sweatshirt. And none of this PINK Victoria Secret shit. Like actual MLB gear. I could call out SO many girls right now, but I won't. We all know that girl. The one that knew absolutely nothing about sports but either the team where she's from won the World Series or her boyfriend is a huge sports fan, so now shes the biggest fan ever! Fucking spare me. If you're a Giants fan and say your favorite player is Brian Wilson because you like his beard, I do have permission just to slap you right then and there. What you should do girls is actually research sports and learn to love it because it's really interesting (SHOCKING I know). Until then, shut the fuck up about how hot Kaepernick is and how you want to fuck Matt Kemp. Which I do but you get the point.

Obviously I could go on and on about why white girls need to shut the fuck up, but here are a few mentionables.
  • Obsessed with Beyonce. Bitch bye. You will never have what she has, get over it.
  • Greek relationships. If you still call your little "little" when you're out of sorority, it's creepy. Or the worst, "sib". Kindly shut the fuck up.
  • Rain Boots. They are ugly so I am only trying to help you out by not looking like a fucking child molester.
  •  Rings. There should be a rule that you can only wear 3 rings at once. Not 4,873.
  • Rap. If I see one more white bitch dancing in her white Jetta to Jay-Z, I will have a meltdown.
  • Baths. If you want to sit in a bowl of your own filthy water, be my guest. Just stop documenting it on Instagram.
  • #hot #blonde #hotblonde #best #friends #bestfriends

I just wanted to say I saw a woman in Ralph's today wearing a shirt that said "In Sean John We Trust". This has nothing to do with the article but that information should be shouted from the rooftops.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Instagram.

God Bless Instagram. I mean really, how else would people know what you ate for dinner, what your outfit of the day was AND how you're a professional photographer taking pictures of the sunset all in one app! It truly is a miracle! First off let me say I actually really like Instagram. I think it's a really cool way of expressing yourself and I like keeping tabs on all the Teen Mom's and the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules. But there are always the stupid fucking people that post the most obnoxious shit. Everyone is guilty of posting lame shit but some do it more than others. So from this post, I expect to lose many followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook because that seems to be the growing trend. Which I am totally ok with because if you are offended by what I say, than you probably suck and I am glad to not be "friends" with you anymore. 

The main problem I have with Instagram is the need to post pointless shit. Everyday I scroll threw Instagram and I see girls and guys posting with the stupidest crap. Like "Me and my new airhorn!" Like that's great bitch, I am so happy for you and your new airhorn but it's a fucking airhorn. It is used to alert people preferably on boats or in the wild. It does not need to be documented. 

Here are some other reasons why the human race is slowly turning Instagram into a shitty app.

1. #WifeyMaterial

First, have you EVER seen this hashtag written by a girl that has a boyfriend? No. Because she's a terrible human being. Last time I checked, wifey material isn't boiling water, throwing spaghetti in it and microwaving Prego. The only thing that will ever make you wifey material is giving your boyfriend at least one blowjob a week and having sex 5+ times a week. THAT makes you wifey material. I would love to see that on Instagram, that would make that hashtag remotely interesting. 

2. #FoodPorn

Unless you are posting a picture of a deep fried burrito or the Mac and Cheese at The Attic that they top with flaming Hot Cheetos, then it is NOT food porn. Last time I checked, your watermelon, feta and arugula salad is not food porn. That's like the equivalent of the "Female Friendly" tab on PorrnHub.com. If you're going to hashtag #FoodPorn, it better be the equivalent of a gang bang or DP on Porn Hub. 

3. Hot Dog Legs

I get it. We live in Southern California where we can post pictures in January of us laying out by the pool. But ENOUGH with the hot dog leg pics. It's gross and unless you're naked, no one wants to see just a picture of your legs. This also goes with bath tub shots as well. I consider bath's disgusting anyway because you are just sitting in a pool of your own filth. Thanks for showing the Instagram community that you wade around in your own dirt. Personally for me I just get bored sitting there. Unless I am watching reruns of Game Of Thrones on my phone and I have a bottle of wine, I am more bored than girls who don't masturbate regularly.

4. Overzealous Couples

Much of you have already read my entire blog post about how much I hate couples, but there really isn't anything worse than overzealous instagram couples. Please I would LOVE to know why you think people care that your boyfriend bought you flowers? I get you are trying to make everyone see what a great man he is, but who are you really trying to convince here? I am a firm believer in the more things you post about your relationship, the more insecure you are about it. The more you have to show the world how happy you are, it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself how happy you are. And for that, nobody cares.

5. Hashtaggery

And yes, you can quote me on this word. Hashtaggery. Like really, how long did it take you write out 59 hashtags? I can think of SO many other things I would want to do with my time. Like eat pizza. Or play with my dog. Or watch porn. Or watch paint dry. Because all of those sound 10x more interesting than reading your countless hashtags to get followers. People who commit hashtaggery are so obnoxious because they are just trying to gain followers. News flash, having a lot of followers doesn't make you a better person. It makes you an insecure bitch who has to post selfies with a song lyric or inspirational quote that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the picture. I admit it, I post selfies. All women do but you are only allowed 2-3 a month. And that is all or else you are just self-centered and need random strangers to make you feel better. Pass.

6. Food

EVERYONE knows my hatred for posting food on Instagram. But damn you Instagram one upping me and shit. Because now you can video your process of cooking your food! Thank god. I am so pleased you recorded putting EVOO in a pan for 3 seconds, then recorded you putting bell peppers in the pan for 3 seconds, then recording you putting in the chic....OH MY GOD I AM ALREADY BORING MYSELF. Like fuck off with that. My 3 year old nephew could do that and it still wouldn't be impressive or interesting. Nothing is impressive about putting ingredients in a pan. NOTHING. So cut it the fuck out. And I can't fucking eat it. So it makes me hungry. It's like watching Food Network when you're really high and basically useless at this point

Obviously a lot of things irritate me on Instagram, but those are definitely the worst. A few more include:
  • A picture of your nails with the color of Essie nail polish you used. Nasty, Hands and feet are just gross.
  • An artsy fartsy view of the park. Usually off center to make it seem more interesting when in reality its the same fucking picture and you're dumb.
  • A selfie at the gym. We get it. You want everyone to see you're at the gym. Then be skinny already.
  • A collection of all your meds because you're sick. If i wanted to see DayQuil, Mucinex, Theraflu in the same place. I'd fucking to go CVS. So just spare me. 
  • A mirror selfie of you smiling at your iPhone. Look at me you idiot. 
  • An empty plate. Congrats! You just finished The Couch at The PotHolder, you're now fucking disgusting!
  • Instagram Messaging. Like now its more acceptable to meet people off Instagram because you can privately message each other. Sorry Instagram, MySpace had you beat by like 10 years. 
  • Throwback Thursday. The worst. And it doesn't count if its from a fucking week ago. Stop that right now. 
  • No filter. Wow congratulations to you for actually being yourself! But filters are there for a reason. And the reason is you're ugly and should use them. So...you're welcome. 
All I ask, and I am sure others would like to ask too, is just think of what you're posting. Like WHY am I posting this picture of a pizza at 5 am? Just consider other peoples feelings. For once. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Engagements.

Well we made it everyone! Happy fucking holidays! Before I go on a rant about how much I hate every single person ever, I genially hope everyone had a wonderful and happy holidays with their families! And by wonderful, I hope you got absolutely shitfaced and told your grandma about your sexually encounters with the guy who you met at PJ's on a Tuesday night.

Tis the season for engagements! Holy shit I have seen more engagements in the past month than people I want to murder secretly in my dreams. I guess I am just getting older or maybe smarter because the thought of getting married now makes me want to absolutely kill myself and have my boyfriend Dexter my ass by chopping me into pieces and throwing me overboard in the ocean. Let me preface that this entire blog has nothing to do with my best friend Danielle who recently got engaged because she is perfect and wonderful and I could never ever write anything bad about her. Except the fact that she gets too wasted with me and yells at cab drivers that she's the best they will ever have.

ANYWAY, the reason why I hate engagements so much is how girls present them to the public on their Facebook, Instagram, etc. You know the SECOND they get that rock, all they are thinking about is " How am I going to put this on FaceBook so everyone can see how incredibly happy I am and how fucking bomb my manicure looks! Thanks Kimmy!" (Kimmy is obviously the Vietnamese nail salon worker). I am still waiting for a clever caption for your ring picture besides my favorites:

1. " I can't wait to marry my best friend!"

Ugh please vomit in my mouth and let me spit it back on you. For crying out loud, your boyfriend is not your best friend! Like really? What a picturesque way of absolutely slapping your BFF in the face who you've known since 1995! And how depressing are you that your best friend is your boyfriend? I'm just thinking in my head like, do you realize your "best friend" masturbates probably two times a day and scratches their balls for HOURS while you're not around watching Sportscenter? And there is something to not be trusted by a girl who says "I'm a guys girl!" Like bitch if you have to come at me like that, it means you can't get along with women because you're the type to say your boyfriend is your best friend! Ugh go die in a fire. 

2. "He asked...I said YES!"

All I have to say is....NO SHIT BITCH or else why would you post it on all 4 of your social media outlets? For fuck's sake, use your brain. Help us ALL out and think of something clever to announce one of the biggest moments of your life! And the fact that you add a thousand exclamation points doesn't help. Like we are all SO surprised you got engaged to the guy you have been dating for 3 years and would always bitch at him to put a ring on it when you were wasted. That being said, it brings me to my next point.

3. "He liked it so he put a ring on it!"

Fuck off. Just fuck off. You do realize he is going to regret that decision in 10 years when you still haven't lost your baby weight, you bitch at absolutely everything and your tits are below your belly button. 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE weddings and am happy for a couple when they make that commitment. I mean as long as I actually like the couple. Not the couple who celebrates their 15 month anniversary and have pet names for each other. Ugh it makes me absolutely cringe. So for those couples I am not happy for you because you suck and you need to act like normal human beings because this is society and society hates people who are dumb. I just think there are better ways to announce you're engaged. What happened to the time when we were more excited to call our moms and dads immediately instead of getting the right angles on your hand? It seems engagements nowadays are solely for the show of it all, the picture of how happy you and your now fiancee (which is the dumbest word ever) are with your lives. 

Which leads to the worst thing ever....engagement photos. Oh my Jesus fucking Christ WHOEVER came up with the idea for engagement photos should be brutally murdered and hung for all to show at the token engagement photo backgrounds...ex: beaches, under a boardwalk, in a field, on a artsy looking staircase, etc. Like there should just be people hung here so people will no longer give me conversation amo about how stupid engagement photos are. Like really, who gives a fuck about pictures of you and your fiancee? I understand getting them for your own person benefit so you can keep them in your home or whatever, but let me say this and let me only say this once...NO ONE and I mean NO ONE cares about seeing your engagement photos. They are boring, stupid and the fact that they have nothing to do with me doesn't help your case. Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia said it best, "It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." Instead of the ususal of writing your date in the sand and taking a picture of it, write "We are going to fuck shit up on March 15, 2015!" Like that would be fucking awesome. My dad would have even more reasons to hate on my sailor mouth, which would be hilarious.

So please ladies, let's change this up! Think of something clever, funny or awesome to announce that you're going to have a sick ass party with 3 open bars so I too can be excited about attending your soiree that you can't wait to share with the whole fucking world.