Instagram.

God Bless Instagram. I mean really, how else would people know what you ate for dinner, what your outfit of the day was AND how you're a professional photographer taking pictures of the sunset all in one app! It truly is a miracle! First off let me say I actually really like Instagram. I think it's a really cool way of expressing yourself and I like keeping tabs on all the Teen Mom's and the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules. But there are always the stupid fucking people that post the most obnoxious shit. Everyone is guilty of posting lame shit but some do it more than others. So from this post, I expect to lose many followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook because that seems to be the growing trend. Which I am totally ok with because if you are offended by what I say, than you probably suck and I am glad to not be "friends" with you anymore. 

The main problem I have with Instagram is the need to post pointless shit. Everyday I scroll threw Instagram and I see girls and guys posting with the stupidest crap. Like "Me and my new airhorn!" Like that's great bitch, I am so happy for you and your new airhorn but it's a fucking airhorn. It is used to alert people preferably on boats or in the wild. It does not need to be documented. 

Here are some other reasons why the human race is slowly turning Instagram into a shitty app.

1. #WifeyMaterial

First, have you EVER seen this hashtag written by a girl that has a boyfriend? No. Because she's a terrible human being. Last time I checked, wifey material isn't boiling water, throwing spaghetti in it and microwaving Prego. The only thing that will ever make you wifey material is giving your boyfriend at least one blowjob a week and having sex 5+ times a week. THAT makes you wifey material. I would love to see that on Instagram, that would make that hashtag remotely interesting. 

2. #FoodPorn

Unless you are posting a picture of a deep fried burrito or the Mac and Cheese at The Attic that they top with flaming Hot Cheetos, then it is NOT food porn. Last time I checked, your watermelon, feta and arugula salad is not food porn. That's like the equivalent of the "Female Friendly" tab on PorrnHub.com. If you're going to hashtag #FoodPorn, it better be the equivalent of a gang bang or DP on Porn Hub. 

3. Hot Dog Legs

I get it. We live in Southern California where we can post pictures in January of us laying out by the pool. But ENOUGH with the hot dog leg pics. It's gross and unless you're naked, no one wants to see just a picture of your legs. This also goes with bath tub shots as well. I consider bath's disgusting anyway because you are just sitting in a pool of your own filth. Thanks for showing the Instagram community that you wade around in your own dirt. Personally for me I just get bored sitting there. Unless I am watching reruns of Game Of Thrones on my phone and I have a bottle of wine, I am more bored than girls who don't masturbate regularly.

4. Overzealous Couples

Much of you have already read my entire blog post about how much I hate couples, but there really isn't anything worse than overzealous instagram couples. Please I would LOVE to know why you think people care that your boyfriend bought you flowers? I get you are trying to make everyone see what a great man he is, but who are you really trying to convince here? I am a firm believer in the more things you post about your relationship, the more insecure you are about it. The more you have to show the world how happy you are, it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself how happy you are. And for that, nobody cares.

5. Hashtaggery

And yes, you can quote me on this word. Hashtaggery. Like really, how long did it take you write out 59 hashtags? I can think of SO many other things I would want to do with my time. Like eat pizza. Or play with my dog. Or watch porn. Or watch paint dry. Because all of those sound 10x more interesting than reading your countless hashtags to get followers. People who commit hashtaggery are so obnoxious because they are just trying to gain followers. News flash, having a lot of followers doesn't make you a better person. It makes you an insecure bitch who has to post selfies with a song lyric or inspirational quote that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the picture. I admit it, I post selfies. All women do but you are only allowed 2-3 a month. And that is all or else you are just self-centered and need random strangers to make you feel better. Pass.

6. Food

EVERYONE knows my hatred for posting food on Instagram. But damn you Instagram one upping me and shit. Because now you can video your process of cooking your food! Thank god. I am so pleased you recorded putting EVOO in a pan for 3 seconds, then recorded you putting bell peppers in the pan for 3 seconds, then recording you putting in the chic....OH MY GOD I AM ALREADY BORING MYSELF. Like fuck off with that. My 3 year old nephew could do that and it still wouldn't be impressive or interesting. Nothing is impressive about putting ingredients in a pan. NOTHING. So cut it the fuck out. And I can't fucking eat it. So it makes me hungry. It's like watching Food Network when you're really high and basically useless at this point

Obviously a lot of things irritate me on Instagram, but those are definitely the worst. A few more include:

• A picture of your nails with the color of Essie nail polish you used. Nasty, Hands and feet are just gross.
• An artsy fartsy view of the park. Usually off center to make it seem more interesting when in reality its the same fucking picture and you're dumb.
• A selfie at the gym. We get it. You want everyone to see you're at the gym. Then be skinny already.
• A collection of all your meds because you're sick. If i wanted to see DayQuil, Mucinex, Theraflu in the same place. I'd fucking to go CVS. So just spare me. 
• A mirror selfie of you smiling at your iPhone. Look at me you idiot. 
• An empty plate. Congrats! You just finished The Couch at The PotHolder, you're now fucking disgusting!
• Instagram Messaging. Like now its more acceptable to meet people off Instagram because you can privately message each other. Sorry Instagram, MySpace had you beat by like 10 years. 
• Throwback Thursday. The worst. And it doesn't count if its from a fucking week ago. Stop that right now. 
• No filter. Wow congratulations to you for actually being yourself! But filters are there for a reason. And the reason is you're ugly and should use them. So...you're welcome. 

All I ask, and I am sure others would like to ask too, is just think of what you're posting. Like WHY am I posting this picture of a pizza at 5 am? Just consider other peoples feelings. For once. 

Engagements.

Well we made it everyone! Happy fucking holidays! Before I go on a rant about how much I hate every single person ever, I genially hope everyone had a wonderful and happy holidays with their families! And by wonderful, I hope you got absolutely shitfaced and told your grandma about your sexually encounters with the guy who you met at PJ's on a Tuesday night.

Tis the season for engagements! Holy shit I have seen more engagements in the past month than people I want to murder secretly in my dreams. I guess I am just getting older or maybe smarter because the thought of getting married now makes me want to absolutely kill myself and have my boyfriend Dexter my ass by chopping me into pieces and throwing me overboard in the ocean. Let me preface that this entire blog has nothing to do with my best friend Danielle who recently got engaged because she is perfect and wonderful and I could never ever write anything bad about her. Except the fact that she gets too wasted with me and yells at cab drivers that she's the best they will ever have.

ANYWAY, the reason why I hate engagements so much is how girls present them to the public on their Facebook, Instagram, etc. You know the SECOND they get that rock, all they are thinking about is " How am I going to put this on FaceBook so everyone can see how incredibly happy I am and how fucking bomb my manicure looks! Thanks Kimmy!" (Kimmy is obviously the Vietnamese nail salon worker). I am still waiting for a clever caption for your ring picture besides my favorites:

1. " I can't wait to marry my best friend!"

Ugh please vomit in my mouth and let me spit it back on you. For crying out loud, your boyfriend is not your best friend! Like really? What a picturesque way of absolutely slapping your BFF in the face who you've known since 1995! And how depressing are you that your best friend is your boyfriend? I'm just thinking in my head like, do you realize your "best friend" masturbates probably two times a day and scratches their balls for HOURS while you're not around watching Sportscenter? And there is something to not be trusted by a girl who says "I'm a guys girl!" Like bitch if you have to come at me like that, it means you can't get along with women because you're the type to say your boyfriend is your best friend! Ugh go die in a fire. 

2. "He asked...I said YES!"

All I have to say is....NO SHIT BITCH or else why would you post it on all 4 of your social media outlets? For fuck's sake, use your brain. Help us ALL out and think of something clever to announce one of the biggest moments of your life! And the fact that you add a thousand exclamation points doesn't help. Like we are all SO surprised you got engaged to the guy you have been dating for 3 years and would always bitch at him to put a ring on it when you were wasted. That being said, it brings me to my next point.

3. "He liked it so he put a ring on it!"

Fuck off. Just fuck off. You do realize he is going to regret that decision in 10 years when you still haven't lost your baby weight, you bitch at absolutely everything and your tits are below your belly button. 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE weddings and am happy for a couple when they make that commitment. I mean as long as I actually like the couple. Not the couple who celebrates their 15 month anniversary and have pet names for each other. Ugh it makes me absolutely cringe. So for those couples I am not happy for you because you suck and you need to act like normal human beings because this is society and society hates people who are dumb. I just think there are better ways to announce you're engaged. What happened to the time when we were more excited to call our moms and dads immediately instead of getting the right angles on your hand? It seems engagements nowadays are solely for the show of it all, the picture of how happy you and your now fiancee (which is the dumbest word ever) are with your lives. 

Which leads to the worst thing ever....engagement photos. Oh my Jesus fucking Christ WHOEVER came up with the idea for engagement photos should be brutally murdered and hung for all to show at the token engagement photo backgrounds...ex: beaches, under a boardwalk, in a field, on a artsy looking staircase, etc. Like there should just be people hung here so people will no longer give me conversation amo about how stupid engagement photos are. Like really, who gives a fuck about pictures of you and your fiancee? I understand getting them for your own person benefit so you can keep them in your home or whatever, but let me say this and let me only say this once...NO ONE and I mean NO ONE cares about seeing your engagement photos. They are boring, stupid and the fact that they have nothing to do with me doesn't help your case. Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia said it best, "It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." Instead of the ususal of writing your date in the sand and taking a picture of it, write "We are going to fuck shit up on March 15, 2015!" Like that would be fucking awesome. My dad would have even more reasons to hate on my sailor mouth, which would be hilarious.

So please ladies, let's change this up! Think of something clever, funny or awesome to announce that you're going to have a sick ass party with 3 open bars so I too can be excited about attending your soiree that you can't wait to share with the whole fucking world. 

Couples.

I fucking hate couples. Now I know most of you are thinking, she's part of a couple! Damn right because it works for me. I get laid on the regular and I have a permanent drinking buddy whenever I am bored. Just because I am in a couple, doesn't make me stupid. So if you read this and get annoyed (which will be about 80% of you), it's because you are a part of these couple stereotypes that are slowly making me want to kill myself and just be ok with the world ending because no one should procreate.

#1. CrossFit Couples

First off, let me preface how much I hate the whole CrossFit culture. I am all for staying in shape and living a healthy lifestyle...wait. No I'm not. I love to get wasted and smoke ciggarettes but that is besides the point. If you want to be healthy, good for you. Just PLEASE stop jamming it down our throats with your stupid competitions. "I lifted 300 pounds 234 times and rolled 3 truck tires on their sides!" Unless you're the Wicked Witch Of The East and plan to have a fucking house fall on you and you have to push that bitch off, I am not impressed. What would impress me if there were those dog obstacle courses for people, then I would watch you be Wreck It Ralph over here. 

So when two things I hate join forces (CrossFit and women) I tend to get a bit angry. The worst is NO WOMAN STARTS CROSSFIT HERSELF. I repeat. No woman does CrossFit herself without her man pushing her. "Come on babe, lets get shredded together and compete so we can pin our Pinterest boards with those cute pictures of couples working out together. I'll climb a rope with you Koala-ing me and it will be so fucking cute." SHUT UP.  For the love of God no one cares that you work out together. I'd rather watch a movie marathon streaming Glitter, Gigli and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter than see you doing CrossFit together.

#2. FaceBook Couples

For some reason, the holidays tend to make people a little crazy. AKA they don't want to be alone because God forbid they can't blast my newsfeed with what your boyfriend got you after dating for a month. Some food for thought though ladies, if your man buys you anything Tiffany's, he has put in absolutely ZERO effort in thinking of what you want. For some reason women are absolutely obsessed with that Tiffany box and men think it can get them a solid blowjob. Anyway, the couples I am referring to are the couples that feel the need to blast their ENTIRE relationship on Facebook. 

"I LOOOVVVEEE my baby! @SomeJabrone, you are my world!"

"My baby bought me (some thoughtless gift)! He is the best boyfriend EVER!"

"It's mine and @GiantPussy's 19th month anniversary! Celebrating going to Chic-Fil-A!"

....come the fuck on. If you were really truly happy in your relationship, you wouldn't have to broadcast to the world how "happy" you are. AND the rest of the FaceBook community doesn't give a flying fuck about your relationship. Relationships are meant to be private and at the end of the day it is only you two that matter in the world. The only reason why you post shit like that on FaceBook is because you a) want his ex to see how InSaNLy HaPpY you are, b) you want everyone to know that you are the happiest you have ever been yet you have lost all your friends and now resort to play with your cat and make your boyfriend spaghetti or c) because you are insecure as fuck and FaceBook is the only outlet you have to share your poor, pathetic life. Save us all from stabbing myself in eyeballs with my toes and keep how happy you are to yourselves.

#3. "Babe" Couples

The worst. The absolute fucking WORST. Really, is there anything worse than this?:

 

This is what you sound like. You may think that you don't, but you actually do sound THAT retarded. Your significant other has a name, so fucking use it. If you use babe once every now and then, that's fine. It's the couples that use it in every fucking sentence. 

Hi babe, what are you doing? 

Nothing babe just watching TV. 

You're so cute babe! Let's get dinner tonight! 

Sure babe! 

Love you Babe.

OHHHH MMMYYYYY GOOOODDD. What is also bad is those girls that call their boyfriend by their whole name when they go by the shortened version. Ex. Calling your boyfriend Micheal when everyone calls him Mike. Or calling him Christopher when everyone calls him Chris. To sum up, call your boyfriend by his fucking name. He has gone along this far without using pet names so you shouldn't start now. God women are the worst.

Being A Server

Being a server is single handedly the worst job on the planet. If you don't believe me, then fuck off. Yes the hours are great and you can make quick cash but is it really worth giving your soul away everytime you walk into work? Probably not. I believe that EVERYONE should have to work as a server or in customer service for at least 6 months just so they could understand how much people suck. For those of you that have been a server or in the customer service industry, I know you can write a million different stories on the shitty fucking people you have dealt with.

Let me set the scene for you. I worked at a BBQ joint in downtown Long Beach. Let me say that one more time, BBQ JOINT IN DOWNTOWN LONG BEACH. So naturally, our clientele was pretty interesting. Getting a 10% tip was considered excellent. Us servers would rejoice in the backroom while secretly talking so much shit on you. And yes, if you were rude, we did mess with your food. I have taken dirty silverware out of the dish bin. I have seen people dunk their balls in blue cheese and I have seen plenty of "accidentally spilled food". As the famous movie 'Waiting" says, don;'t fuck with people who bring you you're food. It is that simple.

Fuck you to the people that say I was the best waitress you have ever had and then tip me $3 on a $90 bill. And I am not kidding when I say that has happened before. I have been called racist by black women because I messed up their order. I have been called ungrateful because I added gratuity on a party of 12. They got their receipt and said, "Who ordered the gratuity and why's it so esspensssive?" Not kidding and totally wish I was. I have been spit on, called a bitch and been stiffed on a bill of $300 because we didn't have passion iced tea.

One of my favorite stories comes from quite the tale. So it was a Sunday, meaning the worst day ever. For those of you that have worked in the industry know that Sunday's are the fucking worst. I have no idea why but it is the day of bad tips along with bad attitudes from pretty much everyone. I had these 4 fucking brats come in and sit at one of my tables. I great them, "Hey guys! Welcome to Famous Dave's! My name is Famous Mel and I will be taking care of you today!" Yes, we had to say Famous in front of our name because we were famous....I know. And then you would get the occasional oofy white man saying 'Well what are you famous for?!" And thought he was the fucking funniest person on the planet. In my head, I would just think I am going to famous for throwing your ribs in the dish pin and putting it back on your plate. Which I have totally done before. So these 4 fucking hoodrats order cream soda. Ok homie this isn't 1956 in an ice cream parlor. What the fuck makes you think we have cream soda? I tell them we don't have that, so naturally they ask for "Grape Drink." At this point, all bets are off and I could give two fucks about these bitches. They finally settle on strawberry lemonade, shocker. Whenever people would hear we had strawberry lemonade, their voice would get like 8 octaves hire because of excitement. Ya if you knew it was just strawberry syrup made of pure sugar with Country Time powdered lemonade, would you still be that stoked?

I get them their drinks and come back when they are ready to order. One of the fucking brats slams down a $5 bill and says..."I want fries and a burger for $5. Make it happen!" I could not believe my ears. Who the fuck do you think you are little bitch? I was so furious that when I went to the back I just screamed. But then one of my co-workers came up with this brilliant idea. I walk back to the table with a piece of paper in my hand and slam it on the table. I drew a map to McDonald's and said "There ya go!' And just walked away. Needless to say they left and I almost got fired, but it was SO fucking worth it.

To all the servers out there, I give you so much props and other people should to. It is not an easy job in the slightest and until you have actually done it, you have no right to tip under 15% because you're poor. THEN DON'T FUCKING GO OUT TO EAT. I have tipped under 15% once in my whole life and that's because the server was fucking awful. But if I see they are trying and are super busy, I'll even give them extra. So next time you are out to eat, give your server the benefit of the doubt because you giving them a 20% tip could make their entire day. Or give them extra money to go get shitfaced after work because let's get serious, that is what we all do anyway.

Girls: Part 1

I fucking hate girls. I really, really do. Not all, but I would go with a SOLID 95%. Why you ask? Because they are terrible human beings for several reasons. Now let me preface this. I used to be that girl. The dramatic hot mess that when myself and a boyfriend broke up, I literally thought my life is over. Dramatic MySpace bulletins and all. Yes, it was that long ago that MySpace was still badass. But the time comes when you look at your FaceBook and Twitter feed and say, "Enough is e-fucking-nough ladies!" Drama looks good on no one. Yes YOU, with your paleo diet meals, #cleaneats, Some E Cards about how you only are attracted to assholes and your inability to understand that you are too fucking retarded to be in a relationship.

I will never understand why women are the way they are. I used to be that dumb bitch in high school that was so love struck by anything that moved or paid attention to me, it eventually warped my way of thinking. Finally I took a long, hard look in the mirror and said "Stop being a pussy Mel." Not kidding. Ever since then I have been the type to date like a man. On my terms, my schedule and my life. Then I look at girls who completely conform to their boyfriend. You bitches are what I call chameleons. A month ago you hated football but now you're a huge niners fan because your boyfriend is? Got it. You used to bitch and moan about working out but you are a work out fen and clean eats fanatic because your boyfriend works at the gym? Dually noted. YOU SUCK. You make all women look bad and women wonder why men think you're crazy. It's because you are. You get mad when men don't call every fucking day. You get mad when they don't get you anything for Valentine's Day when you specifically told them it is just a Hallmark holiday. You get mad because he is balls deep in Football Sunday yet he watches your dumb Housewives shows with you everyday. Cut the men some slack ladies and stop being fucking retarded.

My favorite is the couples that break up and get back together multiple times and decide to broadcast in on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, ETC. THIS is comedy, solid gold. You should only be allowed to change your relationship status 4 times in a span of 2 months, then it should just read as "I am unstable as fuck and my life is crumbling beneath me but thank god I have a sucker of a boyfriend who constantly cuts down my self-esteem. YAY!" Also girls, cut it out the long dramatic wall posts on your boyfriend's page. It only embarrass him and yourself because you think he gives a shit. No, he doesn't. He cares about you giving him a solid blowjob later or you performing your once in a lifetime act of "being on top."

Another one of my favorites is the magical disappearing girl act! This is when a girl is with a boyfriend and shows no life on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc., but once they break up, HOLY SHIT. It's like their social media outlets are bombarded with selfies with inspirational quote captions that are absolutely irrelevant to the pictures whatsoever. Their status' and tweets are filled with Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood lyrics because they are fighters! Now I am all for the woman who can bounce back from a bad break up, but when its so obvious that you're SO depressed yet act like you're walking on fucking sunshine, its baffling. Suddenly you have ..::~*GiRlS NiGhT*~::.. with girls you haven't seen in months. We know your game and I would almost be ok with it if you would just tell me, "You know what Mel, I had no friends when I was with him and now I am desperate for female and male attention so let's parade around 2nd Street like we are absolutely hilarious and have so many inside jokes that it makes my ex-boyfriend jealous and want me back!" Ladies, let me share you the trouble. A man does not stalk you via social media and could give two shits what you are doing. You got dumped for a reason AKA he's sleeping with someone else or probably has been for some time now! For those of you that are fans of HIMYM, you are a "WOO-HOO!" girl.

These are the type of girls that are absolutely KILLING my buzz. You are making it hard for everyone out here, cut it the fuck out.

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Virginity: Part 2

For some reason upon first meeting me, people assume I lost my virginity at age 13 to a creepy babysitter or the cute boys from Damien High School, the all boys catholic school in my hometown where the boys were extra horny and extra good looking. But I had already made out with half of them so none of them were up to the challenge. Maybe its my truck driver mouth or my constant need to talk about sex, but I really did lose my virginity at age 17 to my first real boyfriend (whatever the fuck that means), good ol Kirk.

I met him on MySpace in the summer of 2006 when I was 17. And I wish, I fucking WISH, I was lying when I said I met him on MySpace, swear to god. If you don’t know what MySpace is, immediately click the X in the right hand corner and go turn your car on in your garage and kick it in there for a while. Trust me. MySpace was fucking awesome because you didn’t even have to put your real name. MySpace was the ultimate CatFish. God I hate Nev. Anyway, the more asterisks and swirly shit you had on your default name, the cooler you were.  My name was Helium Queen after this hardcore metal band song that I used to listen to when I wore camo, had lip piercings and thought I was cooler than Nicholas Cage.

I agreed to meet him for coffee. Starbucks naturally where I would just chain smoke cigarettes like my lungs would never collapse and discuss bands that no one knew about. God forbid if they got popular I would no longer like them because I was that much of a fucking shithead.

I obviously brought my best friend with me because you never meet someone off MySpace without bringing a friend. Her name is Dalis Lighthouse. And you're probably thinking that sounds like a porn name. That is her real fucking name and it is awesome. I am convinced that was her pick up line, just her name. Shit I even used her for her badass name! (Love you Dalis) You had to bring a friend because this could have been some How To Catch A Predator shit with the guy bringing a box of condoms and a warm cherry pie.

Kirk was even sexier in person and I had no idea why the fuck he would want me. I myself have always been a bit chubby but because of this, I had to actually develop a personality. It's like Daniel Tosh said, being a man is like being an ugly woman in this world, you have to actually work. Kirk was a man of few words but they were strong and stern and I was immediately attracted to him. He was fucking gorgeous. Not like hot, but just so beautiful. I just wanted to sit on his face immediately and call it a fucking day.
We called it a night after a pack of Parliament Lights and two chai soy lattes later, drove him home in my green VW Beetle because he didn’t have a car at the time. What a fucking catch huh? Only my dumbass self would think not having a car is sexy because he seems rebellious. Considering I wanted to rape him immediately, I was bummed there was no goodnight kiss/bang. Naturally my best friend and I just gabbed about how sexy he was the whole way home and was praying I would get to sleep with him and get sex tape famous.

After a week of meeting, Helium Queen and Kaptain Kirk (his MySpace name. Clever ain't it?) were inseparable. We spent the next few weeks going to metal shows, drinking Jack Daniels and Sparks, and messing around in the backseat of my beetle. If you don't know what Sparks is, Sparks was the pre-Four Loko. It was orange and tasted like gasoline fluid but it was always fucking hilarious when someone threw up off it because it looked like Nickelodeon had slimmed them with orange shit instead of green. I deserve a fucking metal for how I contortioned my body to give him a proper blowjob with the size of him. I could write an entire chapter on Kirk's penis alone. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen at the ripe age of 17. It was smooth, perfectly shaped and mind you, enormous. I had never seen someone as perfect as his member but immediate terror took over my body the first time I ever saw it. How the hell would this beast fit inside of me?

Let me just say, it took us a solid five times for me to actually call myself a non-virgin. I was having a party at my house as usual. My parents were always out of time trying to repair their broken marriage by going on vacation to make things better. Yeah that worked out lovely considering they are divorced now and my dad got married without even telling myself, my mom or my sister for about two months. That is a whole nother depressing/witty blog topic in itself.

We had been “officially” dating for about a month now and I was ready for this shit to go down. I had envisioned candles and Stevie Wonder playing in the background. Instead I had whiskey breath, a drunk two-step and “Chain Hang Low” by Jibbs was on downstairs. I could feel the bass vibrating my princess bed frame against my wall. Somehow it just felt wrong. For fuck's sake, my room was extremely hot pink, I had a white bed frame with one of those princess mosquito nets over it. So lame. If I could go back in time, I'd give myself a swift kick in the ass and scream "You're so awesomely terrible."

We were both so drunk that it got a little messy. His 150 LB, 6’2” pail and frail frame was on top of me and I knew this was it. I was going to lose this V-Card and join this club. It worked out perfectly that I was obliterated because my body was relaxed and not afraid for his anaconda to enter. You know the scene in Superbad when McLovin is doing the ginger girl and he says “It’s in. Oh my God it’s in!” That’s exactly how it is. We were both so excited and being the drunk mess I was, starting crying from overwhelming joy.

At this point in time, “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” by Dem Franchize Boys was blaring downstairs and I was having sex. It was actually in and it didn’t feel like he was rapping me for the 6th time. I can’t even remember how long it lasted or how he could stay as hard as he was with the 5th of Jack Daniels we put down, for a majority of the night is a blur itself. I just remember his hip bones cutting me along my sides and me pirate eyeing to focus on his gorgeous jaw line and blue eyes.

After all was said and done, I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me. Holy fuck, I just had sex. My life would never be the same. I was addicted from the get go. I knew I wanted this feeling everyday and always. Maybe it was my shithead 17-year-old self, or my self-proclaimed daddy issues but I knew that me loosing my virginity was the worst/best thing that has ever happened to me. So from that point on, I blame you Kirk for my sexual addiction and for your beautiful penis to compare to the flaccid, noodle dicks I would encounter in the next six years.