Not really.

But totally.

Monday, December 16, 2013


I fucking hate couples. Now I know most of you are thinking, she's part of a couple! Damn right because it works for me. I get laid on the regular and I have a permanent drinking buddy whenever I am bored. Just because I am in a couple, doesn't make me stupid. So if you read this and get annoyed (which will be about 80% of you), it's because you are a part of these couple stereotypes that are slowly making me want to kill myself and just be ok with the world ending because no one should procreate.

#1. CrossFit Couples

First off, let me preface how much I hate the whole CrossFit culture. I am all for staying in shape and living a healthy lifestyle...wait. No I'm not. I love to get wasted and smoke ciggarettes but that is besides the point. If you want to be healthy, good for you. Just PLEASE stop jamming it down our throats with your stupid competitions. "I lifted 300 pounds 234 times and rolled 3 truck tires on their sides!" Unless you're the Wicked Witch Of The East and plan to have a fucking house fall on you and you have to push that bitch off, I am not impressed. What would impress me if there were those dog obstacle courses for people, then I would watch you be Wreck It Ralph over here. 

So when two things I hate join forces (CrossFit and women) I tend to get a bit angry. The worst is NO WOMAN STARTS CROSSFIT HERSELF. I repeat. No woman does CrossFit herself without her man pushing her. "Come on babe, lets get shredded together and compete so we can pin our Pinterest boards with those cute pictures of couples working out together. I'll climb a rope with you Koala-ing me and it will be so fucking cute." SHUT UP.  For the love of God no one cares that you work out together. I'd rather watch a movie marathon streaming Glitter, Gigli and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter than see you doing CrossFit together.

#2. FaceBook Couples

For some reason, the holidays tend to make people a little crazy. AKA they don't want to be alone because God forbid they can't blast my newsfeed with what your boyfriend got you after dating for a month. Some food for thought though ladies, if your man buys you anything Tiffany's, he has put in absolutely ZERO effort in thinking of what you want. For some reason women are absolutely obsessed with that Tiffany box and men think it can get them a solid blowjob. Anyway, the couples I am referring to are the couples that feel the need to blast their ENTIRE relationship on Facebook. 

"I LOOOVVVEEE my baby! @SomeJabrone, you are my world!"
"My baby bought me (some thoughtless gift)! He is the best boyfriend EVER!"
"It's mine and @GiantPussy's 19th month anniversary! Celebrating going to Chic-Fil-A!"

....come the fuck on. If you were really truly happy in your relationship, you wouldn't have to broadcast to the world how "happy" you are. AND the rest of the FaceBook community doesn't give a flying fuck about your relationship. Relationships are meant to be private and at the end of the day it is only you two that matter in the world. The only reason why you post shit like that on FaceBook is because you a) want his ex to see how InSaNLy HaPpY you are, b) you want everyone to know that you are the happiest you have ever been yet you have lost all your friends and now resort to play with your cat and make your boyfriend spaghetti or c) because you are insecure as fuck and FaceBook is the only outlet you have to share your poor, pathetic life. Save us all from stabbing myself in eyeballs with my toes and keep how happy you are to yourselves.

#3. "Babe" Couples

The worst. The absolute fucking WORST. Really, is there anything worse than this?:
This is what you sound like. You may think that you don't, but you actually do sound THAT retarded. Your significant other has a name, so fucking use it. If you use babe once every now and then, that's fine. It's the couples that use it in every fucking sentence. 

Hi babe, what are you doing? 
Nothing babe just watching TV. 
You're so cute babe! Let's get dinner tonight! 
Sure babe! 
Love you Babe.

OHHHH MMMYYYYY GOOOODDD. What is also bad is those girls that call their boyfriend by their whole name when they go by the shortened version. Ex. Calling your boyfriend Micheal when everyone calls him Mike. Or calling him Christopher when everyone calls him Chris. To sum up, call your boyfriend by his fucking name. He has gone along this far without using pet names so you shouldn't start now. God women are the worst.