Not really.

But totally.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Being A Server

Being a server is single handedly the worst job on the planet. If you don't believe me, then fuck off. Yes the hours are great and you can make quick cash but is it really worth giving your soul away everytime you walk into work? Probably not. I believe that EVERYONE should have to work as a server or in customer service for at least 6 months just so they could understand how much people suck. For those of you that have been a server or in the customer service industry, I know you can write a million different stories on the shitty fucking people you have dealt with.

Let me set the scene for you. I worked at a BBQ joint in downtown Long Beach. Let me say that one more time, BBQ JOINT IN DOWNTOWN LONG BEACH. So naturally, our clientele was pretty interesting. Getting a 10% tip was considered excellent. Us servers would rejoice in the backroom while secretly talking so much shit on you. And yes, if you were rude, we did mess with your food. I have taken dirty silverware out of the dish bin. I have seen people dunk their balls in blue cheese and I have seen plenty of "accidentally spilled food". As the famous movie 'Waiting" says, don;'t fuck with people who bring you you're food. It is that simple.

Fuck you to the people that say I was the best waitress you have ever had and then tip me $3 on a $90 bill. And I am not kidding when I say that has happened before. I have been called racist by black women because I messed up their order. I have been called ungrateful because I added gratuity on a party of 12. They got their receipt and said, "Who ordered the gratuity and why's it so esspensssive?" Not kidding and totally wish I was. I have been spit on, called a bitch and been stiffed on a bill of $300 because we didn't have passion iced tea.

One of my favorite stories comes from quite the tale. So it was a Sunday, meaning the worst day ever. For those of you that have worked in the industry know that Sunday's are the fucking worst. I have no idea why but it is the day of bad tips along with bad attitudes from pretty much everyone. I had these 4 fucking brats come in and sit at one of my tables. I great them, "Hey guys! Welcome to Famous Dave's! My name is Famous Mel and I will be taking care of you today!" Yes, we had to say Famous in front of our name because we were famous....I know. And then you would get the occasional oofy white man saying 'Well what are you famous for?!" And thought he was the fucking funniest person on the planet. In my head, I would just think I am going to famous for throwing your ribs in the dish pin and putting it back on your plate. Which I have totally done before. So these 4 fucking hoodrats order cream soda. Ok homie this isn't 1956 in an ice cream parlor. What the fuck makes you think we have cream soda? I tell them we don't have that, so naturally they ask for "Grape Drink." At this point, all bets are off and I could give two fucks about these bitches. They finally settle on strawberry lemonade, shocker. Whenever people would hear we had strawberry lemonade, their voice would get like 8 octaves hire because of excitement. Ya if you knew it was just strawberry syrup made of pure sugar with Country Time powdered lemonade, would you still be that stoked?

I get them their drinks and come back when they are ready to order. One of the fucking brats slams down a $5 bill and says..."I want fries and a burger for $5. Make it happen!" I could not believe my ears. Who the fuck do you think you are little bitch? I was so furious that when I went to the back I just screamed. But then one of my co-workers came up with this brilliant idea. I walk back to the table with a piece of paper in my hand and slam it on the table. I drew a map to McDonald's and said "There ya go!' And just walked away. Needless to say they left and I almost got fired, but it was SO fucking worth it.

To all the servers out there, I give you so much props and other people should to. It is not an easy job in the slightest and until you have actually done it, you have no right to tip under 15% because you're poor. THEN DON'T FUCKING GO OUT TO EAT. I have tipped under 15% once in my whole life and that's because the server was fucking awful. But if I see they are trying and are super busy, I'll even give them extra. So next time you are out to eat, give your server the benefit of the doubt because you giving them a 20% tip could make their entire day. Or give them extra money to go get shitfaced after work because let's get serious, that is what we all do anyway.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Girls: Part 1

I fucking hate girls. I really, really do. Not all, but I would go with a SOLID 95%. Why you ask? Because they are terrible human beings for several reasons. Now let me preface this. I used to be that girl. The dramatic hot mess that when myself and a boyfriend broke up, I literally thought my life is over. Dramatic MySpace bulletins and all. Yes, it was that long ago that MySpace was still badass. But the time comes when you look at your FaceBook and Twitter feed and say, "Enough is e-fucking-nough ladies!" Drama looks good on no one. Yes YOU, with your paleo diet meals, #cleaneats, Some E Cards about how you only are attracted to assholes and your inability to understand that you are too fucking retarded to be in a relationship.

I will never understand why women are the way they are. I used to be that dumb bitch in high school that was so love struck by anything that moved or paid attention to me, it eventually warped my way of thinking. Finally I took a long, hard look in the mirror and said "Stop being a pussy Mel." Not kidding. Ever since then I have been the type to date like a man. On my terms, my schedule and my life. Then I look at girls who completely conform to their boyfriend. You bitches are what I call chameleons. A month ago you hated football but now you're a huge niners fan because your boyfriend is? Got it. You used to bitch and moan about working out but you are a work out fen and clean eats fanatic because your boyfriend works at the gym? Dually noted. YOU SUCK. You make all women look bad and women wonder why men think you're crazy. It's because you are. You get mad when men don't call every fucking day. You get mad when they don't get you anything for Valentine's Day when you specifically told them it is just a Hallmark holiday. You get mad because he is balls deep in Football Sunday yet he watches your dumb Housewives shows with you everyday. Cut the men some slack ladies and stop being fucking retarded.

My favorite is the couples that break up and get back together multiple times and decide to broadcast in on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, ETC. THIS is comedy, solid gold. You should only be allowed to change your relationship status 4 times in a span of 2 months, then it should just read as "I am unstable as fuck and my life is crumbling beneath me but thank god I have a sucker of a boyfriend who constantly cuts down my self-esteem. YAY!" Also girls, cut it out the long dramatic wall posts on your boyfriend's page. It only embarrass him and yourself because you think he gives a shit. No, he doesn't. He cares about you giving him a solid blowjob later or you performing your once in a lifetime act of "being on top."

Another one of my favorites is the magical disappearing girl act! This is when a girl is with a boyfriend and shows no life on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc., but once they break up, HOLY SHIT. It's like their social media outlets are bombarded with selfies with inspirational quote captions that are absolutely irrelevant to the pictures whatsoever. Their status' and tweets are filled with Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood lyrics because they are fighters! Now I am all for the woman who can bounce back from a bad break up, but when its so obvious that you're SO depressed yet act like you're walking on fucking sunshine, its baffling. Suddenly you have ..::~*GiRlS NiGhT*~::.. with girls you haven't seen in months. We know your game and I would almost be ok with it if you would just tell me, "You know what Mel, I had no friends when I was with him and now I am desperate for female and male attention so let's parade around 2nd Street like we are absolutely hilarious and have so many inside jokes that it makes my ex-boyfriend jealous and want me back!" Ladies, let me share you the trouble. A man does not stalk you via social media and could give two shits what you are doing. You got dumped for a reason AKA he's sleeping with someone else or probably has been for some time now! For those of you that are fans of HIMYM, you are a "WOO-HOO!" girl.

These are the type of girls that are absolutely KILLING my buzz. You are making it hard for everyone out here, cut it the fuck out.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Oh my god. I fucking hate Pinterest more than a lot of things. I hate Pinterest more than I hate spiders, birds and bad Asian drivers. Pinterest is absolutely RUINING girls lives on the regular and they have no fucking clue why they can't get a boyfriend. I have an idea. Maybe it's because you link your Pinterest to your Facebook and everyone can see how fucking batshit nuts you are. No one should EVER have that many pictures of feline's in one place. Just saying. This post is related to people that link their Pinterest to their Facebook, so if you have one, good for you. Just don't think I care about all your DIY projects you want to try.

Sometimes I hate social media for this specific reason but then again I love it because it allows me to just absolutely rem girls that have this insanely unreal expectations on what their life should be like due to Pinterest. For those of you that don't know what Pinterest is, it is basically like an electronic cork board where you can "Pin" things you like. Anything from food to animal photos, they got it all.

Reason #1: Wedding
Ok ladies, this should really be a no brainer but some of you are so fucking retarded, I am going to remind you one more time. STOP pinning pictures of your ideal wedding. I can't remember the last time ANYONE cared about what you want your color scheme to be or what center pieces you want. You're 21 and single. Realllllly hate to burst your bubble baby girl but what makes you think this is going to happen soon?! What's almost as worse is girls with boyfriends who post wedding shit. Are you joking me. Are you fucking kidding me. NOTHING and I mean nothing scares a man away more than commitment and you two aren't even engaged yet your posting possible seating arrangements?! What in your insane little mind makes you think that your behavior is justifiable? For the sake of your boyfriend and everyone your friends with on Facebook, spare me your ideal flower arrangements and if you want to write your own vows. Fucking vom.

Reason #2: Fitness & Health
No matter how many inspirational workout posts and "healthy" eating plans you post, people still aren't giving a shit. I understand you putting it their for motivation, but is it really necessary to let your whole social circle know you're doing 50 push ups, 30 squats, 1 minute planks followed by a 15 minute cardio run? NO. Absolutely not. I barely care about what your plans are today let alone your workout regimen. My favorite is when they post on Facebook, Instagram, etc. of their "HeALtHy EaTS!" then later on in the night they are blacked out hammered eating In-N-Out. At least be consistent so I don't have to make fun of you all the time. You are just asking to not be taken seriously with your dieting habits. I understand it's hard to have a consistent healthy life style but please, don't shove it down my throat that you're healthy yet drink more than me and claim you live healthy. And your check in's at the gym certainly don't build your case either.

Reason #3: Some E Cards
These are the rise and demise of a lot of fucking people. Now I am a big fan of these cards because a majority of them are fucking hysterical. But you must be careful how you use them. Fuck you girls who post ones in a "Pic Stitch" that says you are wifey material with a picture of spaghetti. SPAGHETTI. Clap clap bravo to you bitch who boiled hot water and warmed up Prego! in the microwave. Cut it the fuck out, my 4 year old cousin could do that and probably not overcook the noodles as well! Adding Trader Joe's "Just Chicken!" and a smidgen of parsley does not make it any fucking better. If you were wifey material, you'd be wifed up. Not single and baking cheesecake brownies for you and your dog. Also, please cut it out with the ones that refer to you only being attracted to assholes. Because that certainly will attract a decent male! Because a good guy is going to look at that and be like, you know what, I am going to change her mind about the male race. FUCK NO he doesn't give a shit. He probably just wants a good blowjob and sees how self-conscious you are. It isn't cute, it isn't funny and it is not an "inside joke." You're annoying.

These are the reason why I hate most women. Why? Because they make normal girls look fucking psychotic. I would never be caught dead posting pictures of my future wedding that probably will never happen! And I can tell you right now, it will definitely lower that percent even more if you continue that. So I ask you ladies, please cut it out with the Pinterest crap. It makes us all look bad and for that, I can't stand you.