Not really.

But totally.

Monday, April 7, 2014

#WhiteGirlProblems

I fucking hate white girls. Wait. SHUT UP. I'm white?! WHO told you? (If anyone gets that reference, you're perfect and stay golden pony boy.) I get that I'm white. But I cannot stand the token white girls. The kind of girls that really give girls a bad name. So, like, 90% of you. Again, thank you Instagram for letting their white girl flag fly! It now allows them to express themselves to their full white girl potential. Here is a few reasons why white girls need to retire their act.

1. Sorry I'm Not Sorry!

Even typing that made me want to slam my head as hard as I could into my keyboard. Plenty of undesirable words have worked their way into my vocabulary. "Like" certainly slips out more than I care to admit, I'm quite sure I've obnoxiously said things along the lines of "BRB" out loud and I routinely use curse words as nouns, verbs and adjectives (sometimes all in the same sentence). The problem that I have with this statement is that it's not used properly. It's for dumb white girls on spring break wearing high waisted shorts, a crop top with neon font with probably a neon bathing suit, a backwards neon snap back holding a bottle of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka on instagram with "#SorryImNotSorry!" Like UGGGGH. Sorry for what? You're sure as shit not sorry that you took away 5 seconds of my life that I can never get back. You're sure as shit not sorry for getting chlamydia thanks to the super chiller frat boy who promised he could find you more booze in the bedroom. Real smart bitch.

2. Partner In Crime

I used to say that phrase all the time...when I was fucking 12. Enough girls! Enough with calling your best friend your partner in crime. You did not commit a crime. The only thing you're guilty of is being an annoying girl who probably doesn't have a boyfriend so you're trying to justify your loneliness with your best friend and it's transparent. If by crime, you mean getting wasted and crying to your best friend over a medium mushroom and pepperoni pizza from Domino's because Jason never called you back, then yes. You have committed a crime. The crime being you're a fucking moron so get your head out of your ass.

3. Pumpkins

PLEASE white girls let me know why the fuck you all are obsessed with pumpkin flavored things?! And don't say that it's just good because it's not even that good! I absolutely DREAD fall because if I see another Instagram picture of a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will not hesitate to come to your location, smash your phone on your own face and throw your PSL out my car window. It's not just coffee though, its everything! Pumpkin beer, which in my opinion is fucking gross. Just drink normal beer like a normal fucking person. Pumpkin cupcakes. White girls LOVE cupcakes. Almost as much as they love Fro-Yo. Guys, I'll let you in on a secret. Just tell girls you like eating overpriced cupcakes in the middle of the day for no reason. BAM. Instant blowjob. Just enough with the pumpkin obsession. Get a real obsession. Like drinking Jameson like normal people.

4. "Sports Fans"

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING aggravates me more than stupid white bitches pretending to like sports. I am an avid sports fan and always have been. Shit I know more about sports than half the guys I know. But if see one more bitch wearing a SF Giants jersey and has no idea the starting line up, I will murder you. I have come to realize the more shirts you have for your "team", the more fake you are. I am a HUGE Dodgers fan. HUGE. I have two Dodgers shirts and one sweatshirt. And none of this PINK Victoria Secret shit. Like actual MLB gear. I could call out SO many girls right now, but I won't. We all know that girl. The one that knew absolutely nothing about sports but either the team where she's from won the World Series or her boyfriend is a huge sports fan, so now shes the biggest fan ever! Fucking spare me. If you're a Giants fan and say your favorite player is Brian Wilson because you like his beard, I do have permission just to slap you right then and there. What you should do girls is actually research sports and learn to love it because it's really interesting (SHOCKING I know). Until then, shut the fuck up about how hot Kaepernick is and how you want to fuck Matt Kemp. Which I do but you get the point.

Obviously I could go on and on about why white girls need to shut the fuck up, but here are a few mentionables.
  • Obsessed with Beyonce. Bitch bye. You will never have what she has, get over it.
  • Greek relationships. If you still call your little "little" when you're out of sorority, it's creepy. Or the worst, "sib". Kindly shut the fuck up.
  • Rain Boots. They are ugly so I am only trying to help you out by not looking like a fucking child molester.
  •  Rings. There should be a rule that you can only wear 3 rings at once. Not 4,873.
  • Rap. If I see one more white bitch dancing in her white Jetta to Jay-Z, I will have a meltdown.
  • Baths. If you want to sit in a bowl of your own filthy water, be my guest. Just stop documenting it on Instagram.
  • #hot #blonde #hotblonde #best #friends #bestfriends

I just wanted to say I saw a woman in Ralph's today wearing a shirt that said "In Sean John We Trust". This has nothing to do with the article but that information should be shouted from the rooftops.