Well we made it everyone! Happy fucking holidays! Before I go on a rant about how much I hate every single person ever, I genially hope everyone had a wonderful and happy holidays with their families! And by wonderful, I hope you got absolutely shitfaced and told your grandma about your sexually encounters with the guy who you met at PJ's on a Tuesday night.
Tis the season for engagements! Holy shit I have seen more engagements in the past month than people I want to murder secretly in my dreams. I guess I am just getting older or maybe smarter because the thought of getting married now makes me want to absolutely kill myself and have my boyfriend Dexter my ass by chopping me into pieces and throwing me overboard in the ocean. Let me preface that this entire blog has nothing to do with my best friend Danielle who recently got engaged because she is perfect and wonderful and I could never ever write anything bad about her. Except the fact that she gets too wasted with me and yells at cab drivers that she's the best they will ever have.
ANYWAY, the reason why I hate engagements so much is how girls present them to the public on their Facebook, Instagram, etc. You know the SECOND they get that rock, all they are thinking about is " How am I going to put this on FaceBook so everyone can see how incredibly happy I am and how fucking bomb my manicure looks! Thanks Kimmy!" (Kimmy is obviously the Vietnamese nail salon worker). I am still waiting for a clever caption for your ring picture besides my favorites:
1. " I can't wait to marry my best friend!"
Ugh please vomit in my mouth and let me spit it back on you. For crying out loud, your boyfriend is not your best friend! Like really? What a picturesque way of absolutely slapping your BFF in the face who you've known since 1995! And how depressing are you that your best friend is your boyfriend? I'm just thinking in my head like, do you realize your "best friend" masturbates probably two times a day and scratches their balls for HOURS while you're not around watching Sportscenter? And there is something to not be trusted by a girl who says "I'm a guys girl!" Like bitch if you have to come at me like that, it means you can't get along with women because you're the type to say your boyfriend is your best friend! Ugh go die in a fire.
2. "He asked...I said YES!"
All I have to say is....NO SHIT BITCH or else why would you post it on all 4 of your social media outlets? For fuck's sake, use your brain. Help us ALL out and think of something clever to announce one of the biggest moments of your life! And the fact that you add a thousand exclamation points doesn't help. Like we are all SO surprised you got engaged to the guy you have been dating for 3 years and would always bitch at him to put a ring on it when you were wasted. That being said, it brings me to my next point.
3. "He liked it so he put a ring on it!"
Fuck off. Just fuck off. You do realize he is going to regret that decision in 10 years when you still haven't lost your baby weight, you bitch at absolutely everything and your tits are below your belly button.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE weddings and am happy for a couple when they make that commitment. I mean as long as I actually like the couple. Not the couple who celebrates their 15 month anniversary and have pet names for each other. Ugh it makes me absolutely cringe. So for those couples I am not happy for you because you suck and you need to act like normal human beings because this is society and society hates people who are dumb. I just think there are better ways to announce you're engaged. What happened to the time when we were more excited to call our moms and dads immediately instead of getting the right angles on your hand? It seems engagements nowadays are solely for the show of it all, the picture of how happy you and your now fiancee (which is the dumbest word ever) are with your lives.
Which leads to the worst thing ever....engagement photos. Oh my Jesus fucking Christ WHOEVER came up with the idea for engagement photos should be brutally murdered and hung for all to show at the token engagement photo backgrounds...ex: beaches, under a boardwalk, in a field, on a artsy looking staircase, etc. Like there should just be people hung here so people will no longer give me conversation amo about how stupid engagement photos are. Like really, who gives a fuck about pictures of you and your fiancee? I understand getting them for your own person benefit so you can keep them in your home or whatever, but let me say this and let me only say this once...NO ONE and I mean NO ONE cares about seeing your engagement photos. They are boring, stupid and the fact that they have nothing to do with me doesn't help your case. Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia said it best, "It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care." Instead of the ususal of writing your date in the sand and taking a picture of it, write "We are going to fuck shit up on March 15, 2015!" Like that would be fucking awesome. My dad would have even more reasons to hate on my sailor mouth, which would be hilarious.
So please ladies, let's change this up! Think of something clever, funny or awesome to announce that you're going to have a sick ass party with 3 open bars so I too can be excited about attending your soiree that you can't wait to share with the whole fucking world.