Ex-Boyfriends.

I fucking hate ex-boyfriends. Not because they are ugly or completely worthless, but because they are so transparent. I see you. I fucking SEE YOU and know what you're doing. Oh we haven't talked in 6 months and now you're face book chatting me? Oh, shocker. You and your girlfriend just broke up. How convenient. It's like you don't think we see that shit. Even though ex-boyfriends are the absolute easiest people to sleep with, still big fat no-no.

In particular, I have two ex-boyfriends that will absolutely haunt me for life. They couldn't be more opposite but they are both equally annoying as all hell.

Kirk was my first boyfriend, my first love and the guy I lost my virginity to with "Goodies" by Petey Pablo blaring from the stereo downstairs. He was extremely attractive and I was not. Chubby and awkward me wondering how the fuck can this guy be into me? Shocker, the kid was fucking nuts. Mind you I am almost 24 now and we dated when I was 17. To this day he STILL hits me up. And to make things even better, he lives in Canada and tries consistently to get me to visit him. Yeah, good looking out bro. I still have a dent in my car from him punching it as hard as he could because I made him angry. Me? Make someone angry? Little old me? Sounds about right.

My other nightmarish boyfriend is Tim. I love that I don't even care that I am COMPLETELY putting them on blast right now. Tim was my first boyfriend in college and Jesus we could not be any different. I love tall dark and handsome. Tim was short, blonde hair and blue eyed and just....odd. He loved Jesus, heavy metal and family while I loved weed, cigarettes and alcohol. Still do actually. I remember going to his house I would wear a sweatshirt in 80 degree weather and absolutely douse myself in perform and gum before I arrived at his house. "You smell so good!" What a chump. He broke up with me once because I didn't go to church. I wish I was joking. He eventually came crawling back because he liked the taste of this broad. Opposites attract for only a while and our weird connection began to fade. We didn't talk for about a year, but he suddenly resurfaced from the whole he crawled in to. The BEST part about it was Tim would call me in the middle of the night and leave voice mails of him just heavy breathing. I fucking WISH I could somehow link an audio to my voicemail because it's not like it would be new. I have literally saved these voicemails over the years and played them for all my friends. It is the most disgusting/hilarious/inappropriate voicemail you can think of. These voicemails continued for about a year and still happen sporadically from time to time. And every time it does, I certainly cherish it.

The point here boys is that we KNOW what you're doing. Women are always one step ahead of you. It's weird that I used to be a total slut and now I'm in a committed, awesome relationship. Yet all my "friends" who I used to bang are no where to be found. Well-played gentlemen. Like I didn't see THAT one coming. Ex-boyfriends, you are an ex for a reason. Stay there and go unwind your prey on some poor innocent girl that doesn't know your creepy ways and your small penis. And good luck!