Not really.

But totally.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Virginity: Part 1

I fucking hate virgins. Everything about them. Partly because losing my virginity was single handedly one of the worst moments of my life and another part is taking someones virginity is both depressing and incredible. It's depressing because that person will always have this thought of you and be clung to you in some way, shape or form. It is incredible because even when you're fucking 80 years old, you will remember me. You will remember me FOREVER.You will have to live with the thought of me forever and that is fucking rad.

This time I am going to tell the story about how I took someones virginity, unbeknownst to me. No joke.

So I am bringing back my famous character of Tim. God have mercy on my soul for outing this guy as a virgin at age 21 and half of you reading this know who he is. If you say anything to him, you suck. For those of you who don't know who Tim is, go back and read my Ex-Boyfriends post and you will understand probably why he still leaves me heavy breathing voice mails.

So I had been "dating" Tim for about 2 months. And by dating, I was still sleeping with everything and anything that had a pulse or a 5"+ penis because I was a freshman and was horny as all hell. Mind you my amazing roommate from the dorms was gone every weekend. She had a boyfriend from high school and they are now engaged (Yay! Congrats Cass and I love you!) So I had this sex dungeon of a dorm room all to myself. I seriously quadrupled my number in a little over 2 months, all thanks to booze and my uncanny sex drive. And not to mention the absolutely amazing gene pool I got to pick from that was the dorms. The dorms was like "The Real World". 95% of the people that had a relationship moving in, didn't have one within a couple months because everyone just slept with each other. It was fucking awesome.

It was a Friday in December, the last week before Christmas Break and it was the last day of finals.I obviously didn't have any finals on Friday because I am smart as fuck and planned my schedule avoiding having to study that whole week. Tim had a final at 8am and one at noon (rookie) so in between finals he came to my dorm to hang out. Mind you, Tim NEVER FUCKING CAME OVER. Ever. I always had to drive to Huntington Beach where I had to hang out with him and his Jesus loving family. You can take one look at me and know that I don't even consider the Bible a piece of literature. So naturally, they just fucking loved me....

Anyway, I put on the movie Superbad and we are just hanging out in my sardine can sized dorm bed. Most people hated these beds for sexual purposes but I loved them. Why? Having sex was my cardio! And if you have had sex in a dorm room bed, you fucking know how hard it is to maneuver yourself into different positions while still trying to be sexy. It was like the screening of Cirque De Sole "Love" every Friday and Saturday night in my dorm. So we start making out, fondling each other and what not. He pulls it out and I am not going to comment on his penis size. Why? Because I am a god damn lady and don't reveal someones miscomings.

We go at it for sometime (I really honestly can't remember how long he lasted) and then he finishes. I lay there like...well, that was cool. He, however, STILL ON TOP OF ME,...."I just technically lost my virginity to you." In my head my first thought is...technically? What the fuck does that mean? Is that a nice, polite way of saying I have never had my dick inside of anyone before you or that you did for like 2 seconds one time and Jesus called upon you and said NO. TIMOTHY NO.

I pulled a nervous, giggle, laughter and wanted to fucking die inside. I have never, ever, wanted to take someones virginity because they now have this weird connection for life and god knows me being the most emotionally unavailable girl at that time, that is the last thing I wanted. I got dressed faster than he lasted and needed a cigarette IMMEDIATELY. But Tim being the bible humper he was, I had to wait till he left. Still to this day he will text me when Superbad is on, with like a sad face. THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY. You send me stupid fucking text messages that are in no way, shape or form beneficial to my life. What am I suppose to say? "Aw you're watching the movie where you lost your virginity to me and now you're sad because you will never ever get another shot at these goodies? Awww that is just too fucking cute! Thanks for thinking about me!" Fuck no. Just no.

The best part was, the roommate was sleeping next to me, safe and sound in her bed the whole time. She has no idea that she was bare witness to me snatching someones V card. Love you Cassie!


  1. You are HILARIOUS. I read your Thought Catalog article and then came here. Your stories about your previous boyfriends and hookups are the best. I'm glad I wasn't the only one taking advantage of the freshman year dorms. Would love to read more!!

    1. For some reason. I JUST saw this. But THANK YOU THANK YOU. You are such a sweetheart. I am starting it back up again so stay tunned!