Not really.

But totally.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Movie Theater Patrons

I fucking hate the people that stand up after a movie and clap. Are you shitting me? You are that enthused about the lighting director and stunt man #2 that you feel the need to get up and clap? It takes EVERYTHING, and I mean everything in me not to saunter over to this dickwad and absolutely pummel his face to the god damn floor. I would rather you be giving simultaneous blow jobs to a kid with down syndrome and one with compulsive knuckle cracking disorder during my screening of Wreck It Ralph than have some douche stand up and clap at the end.

It doesn't stop at clapping either, it's also the people that cheer at certain scenes. Like someone taking their shirt off or a happy scene in the movie commences. I am only going to say this once....the director/cast/production company CANNOT HEAR YOU. Stop ruining the movie for everyone with you arrogant hooting and hollering for the fucking little girl that overcame bullying in 6th grade. We get it. Cute story, good for her but she's not fucking real. Please, do all the patrons a favor next time and DO NOT CLAP OR CHEER.

What is with the mind crushing sound that the straw makes when you pull it up from the plastic lid?! OH MY GOD. It takes me almost 5 minutes to actually find the cup holder so when it's finally there, you do not touch it. It is dreadful and to that 4-year-old in front of me that thinks its hilarious to pull that straw up and down as fast as you can, I am going to kick your seat so hard, your jaw will hit that bar in front of you and guaranteed you are going to do that LAME kidthing that for the first 10 seconds you're magically fine but then the second someone asks you "Are you ok?!", you start freaking out and crying. Stupid fucking kid.

God forbid if someone is pushing my precious, lice infested chair with their feet. They get roughly 2.5-3 warnings. And by warnings, I mean the whip-around-as-fast-as-I-can-look and just give them that stare that would make Jesus cry. I am not shitting you, one time a person did not get the hint. So I stood up, turned around, and slammed their popcorn tub with my hand as hard as I could, prompting it with a "CUT IT OUT." Popcorn went flying and it was fucking glorious. Annoying movie patron - 0. Mel - 1.

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