For some reason upon first meeting me, people assume I lost my virginity at age 13 to a creepy babysitter or the cute boys from Damien High School, the all boys catholic school in my hometown where the boys were extra horny and extra good looking. But I had already made out with half of them so none of them were up to the challenge. Maybe its my truck driver mouth or my constant need to talk about sex, but I really did lose my virginity at age 17 to my first real boyfriend (whatever the fuck that means), good ol Kirk.
I met him on MySpace in the summer of 2006 when I was 17. And I wish, I fucking WISH, I was lying when I said I met him on MySpace, swear to god. If you don’t know what MySpace is, immediately click the X in the right hand corner and go turn your car on in your garage and kick it in there for a while. Trust me. MySpace was fucking awesome because you didn’t even have to put your real name. MySpace was the ultimate CatFish. God I hate Nev. Anyway, the more asterisks and swirly shit you had on your default name, the cooler you were. My name was Helium Queen after this hardcore metal band song that I used to listen to when I wore camo, had lip piercings and thought I was cooler than Nicholas Cage.
I agreed to meet him for coffee. Starbucks naturally where I would just chain smoke cigarettes like my lungs would never collapse and discuss bands that no one knew about. God forbid if they got popular I would no longer like them because I was that much of a fucking shithead.
I obviously brought my best friend with me because you never meet someone off MySpace without bringing a friend. Her name is Dalis Lighthouse. And you're probably thinking that sounds like a porn name. That is her real fucking name and it is awesome. I am convinced that was her pick up line, just her name. Shit I even used her for her badass name! (Love you Dalis) You had to bring a friend because this could have been some How To Catch A Predator shit with the guy bringing a box of condoms and a warm cherry pie.
Kirk was even sexier in person and I had no idea why the fuck he would want me. I myself have always been a bit chubby but because of this, I had to actually develop a personality. It's like Daniel Tosh said, being a man is like being an ugly woman in this world, you have to actually work. Kirk was a man of few words but they were strong and stern and I was immediately attracted to him. He was fucking gorgeous. Not like hot, but just so beautiful. I just wanted to sit on his face immediately and call it a fucking day.
We called it a night after a pack of Parliament Lights and two chai soy lattes later, drove him home in my green VW Beetle because he didn’t have a car at the time. What a fucking catch huh? Only my dumbass self would think not having a car is sexy because he seems rebellious. Considering I wanted to rape him immediately, I was bummed there was no goodnight kiss/bang. Naturally my best friend and I just gabbed about how sexy he was the whole way home and was praying I would get to sleep with him and get sex tape famous.
After a week of meeting, Helium Queen and Kaptain Kirk (his MySpace name. Clever ain't it?) were inseparable. We spent the next few weeks going to metal shows, drinking Jack Daniels and Sparks, and messing around in the backseat of my beetle. If you don't know what Sparks is, Sparks was the pre-Four Loko. It was orange and tasted like gasoline fluid but it was always fucking hilarious when someone threw up off it because it looked like Nickelodeon had slimmed them with orange shit instead of green. I deserve a fucking metal for how I contortioned my body to give him a proper blowjob with the size of him. I could write an entire chapter on Kirk's penis alone. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen at the ripe age of 17. It was smooth, perfectly shaped and mind you, enormous. I had never seen someone as perfect as his member but immediate terror took over my body the first time I ever saw it. How the hell would this beast fit inside of me?
Let me just say, it took us a solid five times for me to actually call myself a non-virgin. I was having a party at my house as usual. My parents were always out of time trying to repair their broken marriage by going on vacation to make things better. Yeah that worked out lovely considering they are divorced now and my dad got married without even telling myself, my mom or my sister for about two months. That is a whole nother depressing/witty blog topic in itself.
We had been “officially” dating for about a month now and I was ready for this shit to go down. I had envisioned candles and Stevie Wonder playing in the background. Instead I had whiskey breath, a drunk two-step and “Chain Hang Low” by Jibbs was on downstairs. I could feel the bass vibrating my princess bed frame against my wall. Somehow it just felt wrong. For fuck's sake, my room was extremely hot pink, I had a white bed frame with one of those princess mosquito nets over it. So lame. If I could go back in time, I'd give myself a swift kick in the ass and scream "You're so awesomely terrible."
We were both so drunk that it got a little messy. His 150 LB, 6’2” pail and frail frame was on top of me and I knew this was it. I was going to lose this V-Card and join this club. It worked out perfectly that I was obliterated because my body was relaxed and not afraid for his anaconda to enter. You know the scene in Superbad when McLovin is doing the ginger girl and he says “It’s in. Oh my God it’s in!” That’s exactly how it is. We were both so excited and being the drunk mess I was, starting crying from overwhelming joy.
At this point in time, “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” by Dem Franchize Boys was blaring downstairs and I was having sex. It was actually in and it didn’t feel like he was rapping me for the 6th time. I can’t even remember how long it lasted or how he could stay as hard as he was with the 5th of Jack Daniels we put down, for a majority of the night is a blur itself. I just remember his hip bones cutting me along my sides and me pirate eyeing to focus on his gorgeous jaw line and blue eyes.
After all was said and done, I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me. Holy fuck, I just had sex. My life would never be the same. I was addicted from the get go. I knew I wanted this feeling everyday and always. Maybe it was my shithead 17-year-old self, or my self-proclaimed daddy issues but I knew that me loosing my virginity was the worst/best thing that has ever happened to me. So from that point on, I blame you Kirk for my sexual addiction and for your beautiful penis to compare to the flaccid, noodle dicks I would encounter in the next six years.