Not really.

But totally.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

One Night Stands

I fucking hate one-night-stands. I know some people reading this are like...we assumed you have had many. But in reality, I have really only had one token one-night-stand. You know the one where you barely know the guy, go home, have sex, wake up and your face is as white as Lindsay Lohan's nose. The one I did have will forever haunt me and explains why I have only had one.

To start out, I was at this party. Big shocker there, I am well aware. So I was with my absolute cunt of a roommate at the time and we were pretty shitfaced. My drink of choice back then was jager. And by drink of choice meant I would ONLY drink that and nothing else. Enough said right? I was that token whiny bitch, "The only thing I'll drink is jager and if you don't have it, fuck off." How I ever got anything I wanted back then is beyond me because I was quite the little bitch. One of those girls who thinks she is just fucking fabulous and a "bad bitch". Embarrassing, I know.

So basically how it sums up is, I'm bored. And absolutely obliterated. I see this cute guy from the corner of my eye and we start to talking and eventually start making out. The sloppy, gross, absolutely obscene make out session that I flashback to and just want to jump in a hole and die. Luckily, my apartment was close by. So we start stumbling home, making out along the way and I am thinking in my head, OK Mel. This is happening. Control yourself. You shaved your legs and your vag before this, you're good to go!

We are out on my balcony smoking cigarettes and just drunkenly shooting the shit. I vividly remember this next moment because I thought I was so damn sexy. I can only imagine how fucking ridiculous I looked. I attempted a strip tease and a lap dance on one of those mom-foldy-up-soccer-chairs? Yes. You read that right. It was GOD AWFUL. Me falling everywhere thinking I'm fucking Dita Von Teese or something. I can only imagine what that poor guy was thinking to himself, like...fuck. This chick is bat shit nuts.

As we start to lay down and make out more, I shit you not, I look at him and scream, "When did this happen?!" This guy had a full on broken arm. Not like the one that goes from your wrist to your elbow. No no no no. This beast went from his wrist to his shoulder blade, in the shape of a giant L. I was SO drunk that I didn't even realize this guy had a monstrosity of a cast. He is mortified because he obviously thought I had noticed. Why wouldn't he think that?! It was fucking huge and I was so far gone that I didn't see this thing.

I shrug and thought fuck it. This is one for the bucket list. To put it simply, just think in your head how a guy can be on top of you with a HUGE broken arm. Let that sink in for a bit. I can only imagine it looked like a fucking gorilla in heat, just arms out, knuckles down and grunting. At one point I thought he broke my nose from whipping that monster back and forth. Being the nice lady I am, I offered to go on top and let's just say after awhile the motion of the ocean didn't settle with me all too well. I quickly got off and we both realized this was just too much.

I politely asked him to leave and I passed the fuck out. Hardcore. I wake up in a daze with all blankets outside on the balcony (?) and me just laying in my birthday suit. To my horror, this guy was STILL THERE. I jump out of bed as fast as I can surrounded in my blankets that I had to get from the balcony and begin to panic. Why in God's name is he still here? WHY. He obviously heard me freak out and woke up. He proceeded to stare at me, NO WORDS, walk out in his boxers on the balcony and lights up a fucking blunt. Where he even got this blunt I have no idea. "Want some and then go get breakfast?"

First off, I applaud this boy at offering to buy me breakfast, which is what any considerable gentleman offers to do after stranger sex. However, me being the detached, psycho, unavailable girl I was, I just look at him, blink twice, and lock him out of my room. I told my cunt of a roommate to usher him out the other door of the balcony. It wasn't until about two years later that I actually learned his name and saw him at parties EVERYWHERE. Mortifying. I wonder if he remembers the night like I do. Because he will forever be in my little black book as "Cast Boy".

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